SAAS (Sewing at Any Size): Making a Gored Skirt

In continuance of my rant about the lack/price of basic wardrobe elements, I’m starting a series on clothes that anyone can sew without buying a pattern or learning complicated techniques. My intention is not to turn anyone into a seamstress or master of haute couture, just to help us all collectively thumb our noses at anyone who expects us to pay $60 for a simple skirt in cheap, ugly fabric.

As I go along, you can access the entire series by selecting SAAS from the topic list on the left hand bar of my blog. Eventually this may become an E-book, so while you’re welcome to print this for your own use, please don’t re-print it or publish any part of it anywhere.

At this point I have plans to do entries on skirts (peasant, gored/paneled and wrap), very basic tops and simple dresses, plus a few accessories like sarongs and scrunchies. I might get into some costumes later in the series.

While I give instructions for a sewing machine you can hand-sew most of these if you don’t have one (it’ll just take longer). You can also buy one of those hand-held sewing machine for $20 that only does one or two stitches. You do have the option of using fabric glue to put these together, but it isn’t the best option. Fabric glue will not hang as well, last as long, or look as good as sewing the garment with thread. You can give it a try on test fabric to find out if you think it’ll work for your look.

The instructions may be irritatingly simplistic for more advanced sewers, but I’m catering to the readers who don’t already know how to sew, while trying to include variations for those who do. Instructions are also in non-metric. My apologies for those in countries with a more rational measurement system.

Test Fabric

Always make a rough draft! Use super-cheap fabric or even bedsheets and curtains from garage sales to make a trial version of something before you waste your good fabric. You want to be able to fit, adjust, clip, or replace bits to get the best possible fit, and some expensive fabrics are very unforgiving of this process. Believe me, it's worth making twice to get it right. Once you have a finished test garment you can pull it apart and use it as a pattern. You can trace the outline of the pieces onto any fabric and make several versions of the same skirt; always knowing it will fit because you fixed any fit problems in the rough draft. Always use long, loose stitches (basting stitches) on the rough draft so that it can be picked apart later. When you make your final skirt, use a basic straight stitch (--------).

THE GORED SKIRT

Most of the skirts for sale are gored skirts, whether A-line, pencil or miniskirt. Gores are panels that are narrower and the top and wider at the bottom. The variation you see in fit, flippiness and patterns are all variations on a very basic model.

First you need four measurements. Your waist is wherever you normally wear the waistband of your skirt. Your hips are the widest point below that. The length from waist to hem is the length you want the finished skirt to be. Don't suck in your belly or stand at rigid attention for these measurements; just measure your actual body, relaxed. After all, fudging the numbers will only result in a poor fit!

Waist:
Hips:
Distance from Waist to Hip:
Length from Waist to Hem:

Next you need to decide how many panels you’d like. If they’re all going to be the same fabric I’d recommend 4-6 gores. If you want to make each panel a different color or fabric for a funky look, you can go with more gores, but remember they’re more work. You might count the number of sections between seams on a favorite skirt, or do a Google Image search for “gore skirt” to get an idea of how it looks.

I’m going to give instructions for a four-gore skirt, which is really the minimum for a good fit that follows the rounded shape of the body. More gores or gores that are wider at the bottom will produce an A-line skirt, while gores that are closer to a square will give you a pencil skirt. You can adjust the instructions below to any number of gores simply by substituting that number anywhere you see “four”.

Adjust your measurements:
Add two inches to your waist measurement and divide the total number by four (this number will be referred to as W for waist)

**Note that this allows 2 inches of "ease" to get the skirt on and off. If your hips are more than 2-3" larger than your waist you'll want to adjust this number wider. You can always take fabric off if you make it too large, but it's a PITA to add it ON if you make it too small.

Divide your hip measurement by four (this number will be referred to as H for hip)
Use your Waist to Hem number (this will be referred to as L for length)

Using your test fabric and a pencil or marker and straight edge, draw three lines onto the fabric:

Use the measurements above for the length/width of the lines. The distance between W and H should be your Waist to Hip measurement.

Now draw a trapezoid around the three lines, using W as the top of the shape and extending the bottom down to the end of L. If your hips are wider than your waist, make sure the sides of the trapezoid clear both ends of the H line. It should look something like this:
Now add ½ inch to every edge of the trapezoid. This is what’s called a “seam allowance” because it represents fabric that will be on the loose side of the seam when everything is stitched together.
Congratulations, you have a pattern! Still using your test fabric, cut out four copies of this, using the outermost (dashed) trapezoid for the line to cut.

Note: It may occur to you as a time saver to fold the fabric into quarters so that you can cut all four pieces at once. You can get away with this on the test fabric, but when you make the final project you want to cut every piece with the fabric facing the same direction. This is more obvious when you have a pattern (the pattern on half the pieces will be upside down if you cut on folded fabric) but even fabric without a color pattern has differences. The threads may be woven in a particular direction, resulting in a difference in the way the light hits it from each angle. This extra step of cutting out all the pieces with the fabric facing the same direction will result in a more professional-looking end result.

Pin the four gores together at the long end, ½ inch in from the edge (just like they’d be sewn). Step into the circle and hold the skirt about 1/2” below your waist. Does it fit well? Is it too tight or too roomy anywhere? Too long? (Remember the finished skirt will be ½" shorter when you hem it and the waistband will gather the top). Now is the time to adjust the size of the trapezoid. You can cut away more fabric from each gore (try to cut the same amount from each panel to avoid looking lopsided and remember to leave that half-inch seam allowance on all sides.) If it’s too small or short, you may have to cut new panels from your test fabric (which is why we use test fabric for the first try).

After adjusting the panels, fold the bottom of the skirt up ½”, iron it and pin or stitch the hem with long, loose stitches you can easily rip out later (this is called "basting"). Check the length again.

THE WAISTBAND

There are generally a few options for a skirt waistband without involving zippers or buttons. I’ll describe the basics of an elastic waistband and a drawstring waistband (we’ll address wrap skirts and ties in another entry).

Add three inches to your waist measurement. This should be the same as the circumference of the finished skirt plus one inch. Cut a two inch wide strip of fabric to this length.

Skip the next step (adding fusible interfacing) for your test fabric skirt if you'd like, but follow the directions in the final version. If you're only working with your test fabric, skip down to where you stitch the two ends of the waistband together. If you're using test fabric make sure you use the basting stitches (long, loose stitches that are easy to rip out later). When making your final skirt, use a standard straight stitch.

Lightweight fusible interfacing is available at any fabric store and many box stores that have a craft section. It is a layer of synthetic material that irons onto your fabric to make it stronger and help it hold it's shape. Cut a length of it to the same dimensions as the fabric (you can lay one on top of the other and cut both at once).

Follow the instructions on the fusible interfacing. Generally there’ll be a coated and plain side to the fusible fabric. One has heat-activated adhesive that melts onto your fabric. Place this side against the “backside” of your fabric (the side you don’t want to show, also known as the “wrong side”)

(Note: if you’re using synthetic fabric, place a square of test fabric (preferably cotton) or a square cut from a paper grocery bag between the iron and the fusible. This will protect your real fabric from melting or scorching).

Iron the fusible onto the wrong side of the fabric per the instructions on the package. You’re done when you cannot separate the two with gentle tugging.

Fold the raw edges of the waistband over the fusible (about ¼”) and stitch to create a clean edge.

Stitch the two ends of the waistband flat together like this, leaving 1/4” seam allowance:


Now take the loop of fabric and fold it lengthwise with the fusible on the inside so that you have a 1” wide loop of folded fabric. Iron this so that it has a nice crease (use the protective square of paper or fabric as needed, to keep your fabric from melting or getting shiny with the heat).

To attach the waistband to the skirt, you want to turn the skirt right-side out (so that the other seams are inside. You will be pinning the waistband upside down on the right side of the skirt, so that when it’s flipped up into position the seam will be on the inside. That’s easier to show than to explain, so here’s the step-by-step.

First you will turn the skirt right-side out (the way you’d wear it, with the seams on the inside).

Then you place the waistband like so (dashed line is the raw edge, solid line is the folded crease):


Pin the waistband where it is, with the raw edge matching up to the top edge of your skirt gores. When it is matched up, stitch it onto the skirt.


Flip the creased edge of the waistband up so that the seam is turned inwards like the seams between the skirt gores. Iron it so that it lies flat.

Drawstring:

This can be a length of ribbon or string, or you can make it from the same fabric as the skirt. Simply cut a thin (1/2” to 1”) strip of fabric one and a half times the length of the waistband. Fold it in half lengthwise with the “right” side together (i.e. it’ll look inside out). Run it through the sewing machine to stitch down the long side, leaving both ends open (like a long tube.)

Attach a safety pin to one end of the fabric and tuck it inside the tube. You’ll be turning the fabric tube inside out. Feed fabric onto the safety pin and slip it over itself so that the safety pin moves down the tube. When you get to the other end you should be able to just pull on the safety pin and the whole tube will turn inside out. Once it does, tuck the ends under and stitch the tube closed (or knot it).

Elastic:

Depending on the size and stretch of the stretch of the elastic you choose, your length may vary. The absolute simplest way to cut the elastic to the proper length is to wrap it around your waist. It should fit comfortably without being so loose it falls off. Generally you’ll want it at about half it’s maximum stretch. When you determine that length, add ½” and cut.

Feeding Elastic or drawstring:

Find the seam where you sewed the two ends of the waistband together. Use a pin or seam-ripper to remove several stitches (just enough to fit the large safety pin through the opening).

Pin one end of the drawstring or elastic to the waistband. If it slips inside you’ll have to pull the whole thing out and start over. Pin the large safety pin to the other end and push it through the opening in the waistband seam. Continue to feed it through the waistband (if using elastic make sure it’s not twisting as you feed) until you come around and back through the original opening.

If you’re using a drawstring you need only even out the ends and you’re done!

If you’re using elastic, you need to make sure the elastic lies flat all the way around the waistband and hasn’t twisted anywhere. Pull a good length of elastic on both ends so that you can work with it without the skirt getting in the way. Lay one end flat across the other end, overlapping by ½”. Run through the machine several times, or hand stitch several lines across the overlap as so:


Tuck the elastic through the opening in the waistband and make a few small stitches (this is easiest to do by hand) to close the opening in the seam. You’re done!

FINAL SKIRT

Pick the skirt apart and use the gores you adjusted as a pattern piece to cut the fabric you’ve chosen for your final skirt. Follow the same directions as for making a test skirt and you should have a fabulous something that fits you just right.

A summer of clothes

So every now and then a co-worker will have something delivered to the office instead of their house for various reasons, and of course the address is immediately flogged to every retailer with a catalog. I save them up to flip through on my breaks and holy crap, can we say ugly clothes this summer?

A lot of stuff is made deliberately to look awkwardly homemade (i.e. the hippy look). I figure if they want to charge me $60 for a dress that looks like it was made from leftover quilting cotton, I might as well buy the fabric and make it myself. At least then I know it’ll fit I suppose it’s a perk since it means my homemade clothes might pass for store-bought.

Also, I know it’s a heartbreak for you short-waisted folks, but I’m ecstatic to see more tunics creeping in through the ubiquitous empire waists and babydolls. “But empire waists look good on everyone!” you cry? Well, no. Some of us are mostly torso and belly, so an empire waist makes me look like an overbalanced 9-month pregnant mushroom. Regular length shirts meant to hem at the hips look like belly shirts on me. I need tunics!

Anyway, despite the horror that is the clothing catalogs, I’ve found a few things I’m geeked about.

This Polka-dot surplice swing dress from Torrid is screaming my name. Can’t you hear it? It calls to me....

This short sleeve wrap blouse from Kiyonna is very much mine someday.

I love the return of halter tops...I have the shoulders for it, now I need the halter-strap bras.

Speaking of Bras, Fruit of the Loom is finally making inexpensive sports bras up to size 44 in a 3 pack for around $10. I bought them to take camping/hiking and they're marvelously comfortable. I don't think they'd fit very well for anyone over a D cup, but as a C (sometimes D) I can attest that they don't give me the "Uniboob" look most sports bras manage.

Beyond that I’m stuck with patterns, really. I’ve got boatloads of fabric in the attic waiting for something to be done. Basic gored and pleated skirts are a snap to put together so that might be my wardrobe focus for the summer. I’ve got a few good patterns for cute dresses and wrap-tops sitting around collecting dust. I think I’ll just take control of my look right out of the hands of retailers this year and especially out of the hands of retailers who think every fat woman needs to wear knit-look tents and shapeless drab, or layers of tacky ruffles in odd places and giant fabric flowers. (ahem..Roamans...ahem)...

MeMe Roth and Anorexia

Life on Fatz already covered MeMe Roth’s equating eating food with rape, which is on a level of F’d up I haven’t seen yet. I want to cover another problem that came up in the interview.

I have a hate-hate relationship with the article in general. The first hate is that they are giving this woman attention, despite her complete lack of credibility or expertise. (Fat parents and a job as an “image consultant” does not a health expert make). She portrays herself as a modern Jeanne D’arc leading the people from death, and the last thing you want to do with a hate-mongerer crazy for publicity is to give them publicity. For some reason the media seem to fawn on her, but I’m not sure if it’s because of body-envy or because she’s spewing the vitriol they’re secretly afraid to say because they know it’s nasty and bigoted. At least this reporter is careful to emphasize that she’s the only nut job in her particular bag ‘o trail mix. Second, of course, is that the reporter has to give the obligatory paragraph-long crunch on Death Fat, trotting out the same statistics that have been disproven for years but are still stacked somewhere in a fact-check file for reporters to reference.

Now for the reason why I even bothered to click over to it. This interview casts a light on MeMe’s disturbing intensity of fanaticism. First she refuses to meet the reporter anywhere that serves food. She shows up in a tightly belted coat she refuses to take off. She talks about shame trauma as a child which she centers on the weight of her relatives. She’s highly uncomfortable talking about her own eating. She says she doesn’t do breakfast, halfway admits to not often eating lunch, won’t or can’t name a food she does eat other than black beans, brags that she runs four miles a day, sometimes doesn’t allow herself to eat until after she’s run four miles a day, and as of the 3:30 interview had not eaten anything that day.

Now I’m not an expert either, but doesn’t this quack a whole helluva lot like anorexia?

I’ve spent as much time as anyone in disgust and sometimes anger over this woman and her unproductive bile, but is it possible that instead of just being a nasty, hateful human being she might also/instead be seriously ill? There’s also the risk that if she is anorexic as she comes across in this interview, that she’s passing dangerous behaviours on to others via her “private nutrition counselling business”.

There’s a point where sometimes an aversion becomes pathological. I can see where a lifetime associating fat with shame and pain could warp into disordered eating, which then would need to be self-justified. By encouraging disordered eating in others she would validate her own illness to herself. I wonder what she’s doing to her daughters, as an example? What would she do if one of her own children picked up a gene for fatness from their grandparents or great-grandparents? Would she be willing to watch or force her own daughters to run four miles a day on no food? Give the daughter her own childhood of shame and abuse (this time external instead of internal)? I would hate to think there’s that kind of evil in the world sitting in plain sight.

Book Review: Lessons From the Fatosphere

Book Review: "Lessons From the Fat-O-Sphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby

I picked it up at Barnes and Nobles, in the Diet section (ironic, but perhaps good since someone might grab it by mistake while hunting for new ways to starve themselves). JD flipped through it in the store, read a couple of paragraphs at random, then bought his own copy so he didn’t have to wait for me to finish mine. Every now and then I hear him laughing in the other room when he hits something witty.

The book is definitely an ideal FA 101, covering almost every major concept a newbie would encounter in the fatosphere and explaining it clearly in everyday language. They address health (physical and mental), media criticism, self-acceptance and defense, diversity, clothes, relationships, etc. and give resources for further reading and/or surfing. This is the book I’m lending out to every dieter I can convince to read it.

FAVORITES:

Chapter 12: “Don’t believe that only sick freaks would want to date fat women.”
This really, really struck home for me. I’ve been in discussions of the pros and cons of the fetishization of fat, feederism, fat-fanciers, etc. and still carried around a part of me that said if someone’s attracted to me, there must be something wrong with them. I’m still doing some wrangling with that belief, but this chapter is definitely a win.

Particular love goes out to this: “But unless everyone involved is cheerfully polyamorous, do not date people who aren’t single.” Having been in both monogamous and poly relationships, and having some poly friends in a group marriage who encounter not a few blocks because of it, I really love that line. Even if it was meant to be sarcastic.

Chapter 24: “Get over yourself! They really, really aren’t all looking at you!”
This chapter hit me with a clue-by-four right where I needed it right now. My summer is devoted to incorporating this concept into my paradigm; that what other people do, say or think has nothing to do with me.

Some of the other ideas in the book may not strike everyone as important until they get put into effect. Not watching TV? Having unplugged my cable and begun only watching shows I can get commercial free on DVD, I can attest to the difference it makes. A surprising amount of mental energy gets used up in the battle against the social dogma of dieting. That energy could be better directed if you weren’t bombarded by the constant diet ads on TV. I would personally add the suggestion to listen to CD’s or MP3’s instead of the radio, or listen to a commercial free channel like public radio that may occasionally cover fat-prejudiced “news” or “research”, but is generally safe. The ads aren’t as bad on radio as TV but they’re there, and most disk jockeys lay on the fat jokes pretty heavy (no pun intended).

CRITICISM:

The one thing I noticed is that there’s not a lot about/for fat men in here. Granted the authors are women, but they’re also white and manage to at least touch on the unique struggles with body image for women of color (in a fantastic guest essay by Julia Starkey). Were Paul Campos, Paul McAleer, or any of the other big men in FA (pun intended) asked for contribution, or did they just not want to participate? Of course the grain of salt in that criticism is that not every book can be everything to everyone, and the writers were sharing their own experience as women.

I think the authors’ blogs are better written than the book. There’s a dynamic flow and immediacy to a blog post that’s hard to re-capture in the static of print, where one chapter has to transition into the next and the reader doesn’t have the options of clicking around to read background information. For instance, the chapter in the book on not putting things off until you’re thin was powerful and inspiring, but the original Fantasy of Being Thin post still moves me to tears whenever I read it. Let me also say that just because I thought the blog posts were better doesn’t mean that I don’t think the writing in the book isn’t damn good.

CONCLUSION:

Forever part of my FA library.

I’ve already loaned it out once and bought a copy for my Tante’ in California. The moment I finished reading it, the office Weight Watchers junkie saw it on my desk and asked to borrow it. I lent it to her, but I don’t think she more than skimmed it and I think she was looking for a “boost your self esteem while dieting” sort of thing. Maybe it planted a seed of doubt in her head, maybe not. Maybe one day she’ll even stop bringing food scales to the office potluck to weigh her servings of potato salad. In the meantime, in the midst of the office “Biggest Loser” contest, I think I’ll continue to leave it conspicuously out on my desk to see who else may bite.

P.S. I’d love to see this translated into Spanish!

The death of "Acceptable Fat"

This weekend I wore a sleeveless shirt in public for maybe the third time as an adult (other than the beach or pool). I even *gasp* wore it with shorts. I even *double gasp* went out without brushing my hair. Despite the white-knuckled defiance and the evidence that no one noticed or cared what I, a total stranger, was wearing, the “Acceptable Fat” persona was still shrinking into a little terrified ball in my guts.

“Acceptable Fat” is that little part of me that believes every passing human being is just waiting for a chance to humiliate me and stomp on any show of non-conformity or self-confidence. It’s that part of myself that spends every public moment watching how I walk, gesture, dance, talk and dress so as to not draw attentionto my different-ness. If I don’t stand out, I’m less likely to be targeted by the same kind of person who goes out of their way to leave nasty messages on a total strangers' blog. But if someone hates me for being fat, they’re going to hate me whether I’m in sweat pants or a tailored skirt, whether I’m eating ice cream or a salad or nothing at all. That phobia has officially claimed enough of my life, so I have made a goal for this summer. If I can’t get rid of Acceptable Fat, I can at least bring it to heel.

So this summer, I vow to bring about the end of Acceptable Fat in my life. I will wear a sleeveless shirt in public. I will mow my lawn in same sleeveless shirt and anyone who doesn’t like it can mow the damn thing for me or STFU. I will go walking in my neighborhood without wondering if anyone’s silently laughing at me behind the windows. I will only care for the opinions of people whose opinions I have reason to respect. I will not fear walking past groups of teenagers. I will go to the beach and only care about how much fun I have. I will go hiking and rest when I need to. When I’m hungry I will eat what my body wants, even if other people can see me. I will wear shorts. I will not assume that person who smiled at me is mocking me. I will smile back. I will wear the low-cut corset to the Ren Faire and flirt shamelessly with the pirates*. I will not allow Acceptable Fat to validate the judgements of others. I will wear high-heeled sandals even if it makes me 6’4”. I will make up that groovy sun dress pattern in flame-print cotton and wear it with said high-heeled sandals. I will only wear clothes that make me feel good. I will run barefoot in the grass and play softball and not waste time brushing my hair and putting on nice clothes just to run to the store. I will focus on the person I am and the people I’m with and not the people passing by. This is my summer.

*Note to JD: I promise not to bring the pirates home.**

**Unless they agree to mow the lawn and/or tile the bathroom floor. Then I promise to feed them and change their litter and keep them from scratching up the furniture.
Meow :-)

Holding on to my Standards

After a very bad breakup a few years back, I settled into a determined singlehood. It wasn’t that I couldn’t find anyone; I simply wasn’t looking, except occasionally in a half-hearted way. It didn’t help that PCOS was wreaking havoc with my hormones and killing my sex drive.

During that time I got a lot of advice from friends on how to find someone, up to and including lowering my standards (usually after I’d rejected someone who just didn’t click). At the time if anyone asked me what I wanted in a partner, I could tell them I wanted a man who was intelligent, literary, spontaneous, witty, spiritually compatible and either taller or stronger than I am. Geekiness and love of camping/hiking were perks. I still don’t think those standards are high, except for maybe the taller/stronger issue. That comes from a lifetime of being a six-foot-two chick with the sturdy frame of a viking peasant farmer, and is an issue entirely in my own head.

Anyway, my point is that there is an expectation that people (especially women) need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled, and consequently that “settling” for an unfulfilling relationship is somehow more desirable than being single. I’m here to say that’s utter and complete bullshit. I wasn’t (and still aren’t) willing to settle for less than what I need to make me happy in a relationship. I also wasn’t so unhappy as a very active single woman that I was impatient to find a relationship at any cost. I didn’t want the purpose of my life to be finding someone else, because if I made that the purpose of my life it would invalidate who I am and what I am capable of accomplishing on my own.

This was definitely NOT a consistent headspace throughout this time. I spent a lot of time struggling with the question of what I deserved, or whether it was more “realistic” to settle for what I could “catch”, because of what I looked like. When someone I didn’t know approached me, I struggled to shut up the voice in my head that said, “He’s attracted to me? what’s wrong with him?” and the more insidious suspicion that HE was settling for ME because he didn’t think he could do any better. The periods of ups and downs in that phase of emotional transition so resembled rapid-cycling that I even became convinced that I was bipolar.

Last October my highly empathetic and intuitive best friend staged a sort of intervention to help me along. Three of us sat down, and the rule was that we had to go around in turn and admit something that we’d never shared, and would make us cry. We talked about expectations of ourselves, perceived expections of those we care about, uncertainties as to our goals or deservedness of happiness. It turns out that we shared a lot of these in common.

At the end of the ritual I cut a length of my hair as sacrifice (and you’d have to know me to know how much that hurt) and asked my ancestors and the universe to, when I was ready to accept it, to send me the partner who would make me happy. I even went so far as to give the “list” of standards, leaving it up to them whether any of those standards were unrealistic.

Less than a month later I found out that despite all the mental and emotional progress I’d made in FA, I still didn’t believe that mutual attraction or love at first sight could apply to fat chicks. I found out by being proved wrong.

Part of the reason for the long break in blogging has been the introduction of a very distracting man into my life who, by the way, fits every single one of my standards for a partner, including the perks and a few things I didn’t know to ask for (like empathy). Sure there are things about us that the other has to adapt to, but the things that are really important (wit, intelligence, empathy, reason, humor, strength) are all there and accounted for. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t “settle” for less than I wanted, or I might have missed out on the awesomeness that is the real thing.

Now he’s moved in with me, and we’ve finally worked out possible ways to fit two enormous collections of books into one tiny, tiny house. (There’s no reason for us both to have copies of all the Jane Austen novels on the shelves, or duplicate Shakespeare. I’ll see his Dumas and raise him Isak Dinesen, and it may still all come down to paper-rock-scissors and cruising garage sales for new bookcases, possibly building an addition to have walls to put them on.)

We’ve already bought matching hiking boots, although my friends will do the fake-retching-that’s-sickeningly-sweet thing. We really only bought the same kind because they were 75% off and we’re both cheap bastards, but after two years my friends can put up with a little cuteness and STFU. :-)

Maybe some people can compromise on some or all of what they want in a partner and be completely satisfied. I know that finding the right person is almost entirely luck (plus a big chunk of self-awareness) and those who are more “people person” than I am may actually need to be in a relationship to be happy. Just make sure that no matter how much you want a warm body next to you at night that you don’t compromise on the core essentials that will make you happy. Having no partner really isn’t as bad as having a partner who doesn’t make you happy, trust me on this! Never settle for a partner who isn’t crazy about you (ALL of you) and vice-versa.

Fat will kill you with Swine Flu!?!?!

I caught this out of the corner of my ear on NPR and had to look it up to make sure I hadn't missed a massive concussion or fallen asleep at my desk. No, I actually had heard doctors blame a 22 year old kid's death from swine flu on "Obesity and other health problems."

Beginning my trip into 1984, I find this article that manages to sprinkle fat-hysteria throughout with this particular gem as to why they think fat people are more likely to die of the flu:

"Other studies have shown that pregnant women are at higher risk, especially in the third trimester when the fetus and womb compress the lower regions of the lungs. This makes it harder to breathe deeply and cough forcefully; it may also alter blood flow in the chest. A similar thing may occur in severely overweight people, some experts speculated."

Seriously!? All fat people carry crushing belly weight that keeps them from breathing? SERIOUSLY!?

After making my way down the google news feed, it seems every article on the 22 year old from Utah who just died from the flu mentions the potential complications with this or a similar quote:

"Authorities said the man was overweight and had chronic medical conditions, including respiratory problems and other health issues that put him at risk."

So the fact that he was fat is factored more heavily than the fact that he had a chronic respiratory illness?

Are they seriously this ignorant, or just trying to reassure the reading public that Swine Flu is only killing the fatties? Are news feeds so eager to get on the bandwagon that they'll find a way to slip weight into ANYTHING?

*Breaking news, Shark attack linked to victim's obesity....*

This head-banging-on-desk sort of logic. Unfortunately it offers a brand-new-trendy scare tactic for the media to fly. Instead of taking a breath and a pause (or even, I don't know, offering sympathy to the victim's family?) they capitalize on the double fear of flu and fat to grab readers and give them one more lash for non-conformity.

If this was an actual research study I'd give it a CDNEC award. As it is it's going to get the honorary cousin to the CDNEC, known as the "You're a complete dumbass" award.

Recipe Box: Hot Spinach-Artichoke Dip

There's a restaurant a friend of mine gravitates towards because of a dish called "The Bubbler". It's a hot spinach-artichoke dip served with pita, and last time I tasted it I thought to myself, "this can't be that hard to make, instead of paying eight bucks for it"...

So here is the Bubbler. This is a party-size recipe and can expect to cover a dozen or more people at the "dab on a plate with chips" size serving. These ingredients are all "to taste". Personally I like to overload it with spinach, but your mileage may vary.

16 oz cream cheese (or neufchatel)
2 cups of milk
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
1 cup frozen spinach
1 cup coarse-chopped frozen or bottled artichoke hearts

Heat the cream cheese and milk in the microwave at one-minute intervals, stirring between, until softened.

Use a whisk or fork to whip the cream cheese and milk together until smooth

Add the rest of the ingredients and stir together

Heat again at 1 minute intervals, stirring between, until hot.

Serve with pita triangles or corn chips.

(Note: you could jazz this up a bit with pine nuts, red peppers and/or sun-dried tomatoes)

There you are: probably the least complicated recipe I've ever posted here! :-)

The Theory of Trolls

Why do trolls bother? After all, they have to come across the blog entry, whether on Google or through the fatosphere feed (which denotes a whole 'nother level of unhealthy stalking behaviour) read through an entry (theoretically) and then actually take the time to come up with a reply, type it out, go through the "hidden pictures" anti-spam rigmarole.....for what? Are they so pantingly desperate for a chance to be nasty?

Durkheim and the buzzword "morality" aside, a society develops rules of conduct (written or unwritten) which allows it to function. You'll see that in a close-knit society people are much less likely to be rude and/or violent towards each other (not that its impossible, especially in familial abuse). This is because there are clear repercussions which make the individual responsible for their actions. Misbehavior is more likely to reflect on them throughout their lives.

As our "society" expands to a larger community where you cannot possibly know everyone, you become less accountable for your behaviour. After all, the odds of you ever meeting that person you were rude to again are slim. You won't be reminded of your rude behavior or face social consequences such as ostracization.

As the internet expands our society to a global scale we find that both the chance of face to face accountability is reduced to almost nothing. The dehumanization of text-only communication reduces empathy and the wide mixture of cultures with different rules of conduct confuses the matter further. The mature, responsible person is able to adjust their interpersonal rules of conduct and apply them online as if they were face to face.

It's interesting. Most trolls, by their behavior, would fit many of the signs of a sociopathic personality if they were acting as they do to people outside the internet. Eliminating body language doesn't mean that behavior automatically goes from crazy to rude.

We can also gain insight into those who leave hate-comments by studying the Psychology of Hate. I do think that the profile and psychology of irrational haters is comparable regardless of the target. (NOT making a value judgment or comparison between fat-hate and racism!). Haters, and trolls, are unsure of their social identity. When social identity is threatened people often cling to irrational belief, willing to defend it violently rather than adapt to the new social reality.

Hate can simply be an immature device to achieve detachment. When a troll posts a nasty comment about my weight, they are simply trying to say "I don't want to identify with you" (without, of course, using their words like a grownup). If they really examined their motivations, they'd find that they don't have to be anything like me (and probably aren't.) They don't have to somehow violently separate themselves from me in order to avoid the social stigma they fear. They don't have to post a comment to convince themselves they're not just separated from me by the narrowest margin of social whim.

Or maybe they do, because they fear it might be so.

Beauty and Government

Michigan’s state budget is crashing like a demented lemming at a cliff face. I mention this not only because it means I’m laid off for six days this summer, but because I’ve spent more time than usual before and after work searching google news for keywords like “Michigan Budget” and “Granholm” (the governor). Of course the comments section of any news article is a case for Sanity Watcher’s points, but I’ve noticed that the most virulent critics of Granholm almost inevitably end their criticism with a mention of the mole on her cheek.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. When dealing with a woman in power, a large part of the criticism is nearly always directed at her appearance. If they find her attractive they bandy around terms like “MILF” and “Babe,” and usually conclude that she is therefore less intelligent. If there is any physical “flaw” it is seized upon with relish as a reflection of her character. How often have we seen Michelle Obama judged by her clothes, height, build and face instead of her intelligence? In the current Supreme Court nomination process, how much of the cyberspace discussion surrounds the physical appearance of the female nominees? Are women held to a literal double standard of both skill and appearance? Is having a picturesque leader now more important than an intelligent one? Can a mole magically suck governing skills from a human brain?

Paul Campos summarizes it nicely on The Daily Beast. He also tops it with what may just be the perfect quote, which is what originally caught my eye on Shapely Prose:

"For some men, the only thing more intolerable than the sight of a powerful woman is the sight of a powerful woman they don’t want to sleep with."
- Paul Campos

Really..'nuff said.

Envy

I’ve been considering the motives behind those who feel they must judge the bodies or lifestyles of others. While I do allow for the possibility that there may be genuine concern for the health of others (however misplaced it may be), it seems more often that the health issue is more often a convenient hiding place for something no one is quite comfortable admitting aloud.

“ I am Envy, begotten of a chimney-sweeper and an oyster-wife.
I cannot read, and therefore wish all books burned. I am lean
with seeing others eat. O, that there would come a famine over
all the world, that all might die, and I live alone! then thou
shouldst see how fat I'd be. But must thou sit, and I stand?
come down, with a vengeance!”
-Christopher Marlowe, The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus From the Quarto of 1616

There is of course some doubt as to why anyone would envy a group that is so regularly despised and marginalized by their cultural, peers and selves. On the other hand, the stigma that fat is the result of “letting yourself go” is telling. The stereotype may have negative connotations of laziness in our culture, but when you remove the Calvinist interpretation there is much more lurking underneath. In our business and object-oriented society we spend our lives figuratively scrambling up the cliff face by our fingernails in order to reach the top before anyone else. We are never asked to consider whether there is anything on the top of the cliff worth reaching; we only know that we must climb.

What really happens when you let go? The trouble is that no one can really know until they do so. They are told that at the top of the cliff lies immortality, wealth, beauty and love. To climb they must work themselves into illness, give up all pleasure, experience the pain of tearing and stuffing and cutting their bodies, seek out and subjugate themselves to those higher up the cliff while hanging on to the edge of panic over how long they’ll be able to continue climbing.

What they are not told is that they are chasing a mirage. They know on some level, of course. This is why they envy and hate those who simply choose not to climb. They are afraid that if one stops climbing, others will notice and begin questioning the worth of the goal. If all stop climbing, their efforts will be wasted. They will have to admit the impossibility of immortality and the risk of love without purchase. They will have to decide what they really want, rather than giving up volition to follow the masses. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of humanity more than self-examination.

“Clutching her cornet of sweets the small girl turns to go, reconsiders, turns again. ‘You won’t ever guess his favourite,’ she says. ‘He hasn’t got one.’
‘I find that difficult to believe,’ I smile. ‘Everyone has a favourite. Even Monsieur Muscat.’
Lucie considers this for a moment. ‘Maybe his favourite is the one he takes from someone else,’ she tells me limpidly. Then she is gone, with a little wave through the display window.”
-Joanne Harris, ‘Chocolat’

Envy is not just the desire to have what others have. It is summed up in the phrase “If I can’t have it, no one should.” Personally I have experienced body envy. Honestly I’d doubt any woman who claims to have never, even during their teens, resented another human being simply for having a particular physical trait. Speaking from that experience I can say that envy is an ugly thing. Even stripping away the Judeo-Christian concept of sin, it remains an ugly thing. Envy is a grasping, selfish, hateful feeling that twists everything it touches. If you’ve ever experienced it, you can perhaps understand why the envy of those who don’t feel as if they have the right to be happy can express itself in hate.

This is, of course, an explanation rather than an excuse. Anyone who’s watched monkeys in a cage at the zoo will recognize many basic human behaviours. If you watch long enough you may even be able to check off the Judeo-Christians’ seven deadly sins in their entirety. This is an instance of a religion’s rules of behaviour having perfectly sound reasoning behind the dogma. The “sins” separate us from the chimpanzees. They are what make us civilized in the most basic sense of the word. As Granny Weatherwax would say, all true sins begin with treating people as things. Including ourselves.


(P.S.: To the one who made me re-visit Marlowe, and you know who you are, thanks for inspiring this post!)

Recipe Box: Sweet Baked Ham with Red-Eye Gravy

I'm not a big fan of pork (and boyo do I realize how many dirty jokes you could make out of that statement!) However, since pig in it's various forms is traditional food this time of year, I've experimented to see how I can make it so that I actually do like it. Even so this is a once a year recipe for me.

I prefer fresh ham over cured/salted/smoked or processed. Unfortunately it's getting harder and harder to find. This year I had to resort to a cured ham, but it was a success at the party anyway. I wouldn't use a fully cooked/ready to eat ham as I don't like the salty flavor.

The ingredients list is what I use for a 12 pound half-ham (serves about 10-12 people without leftovers). If you have a much larger or smaller ham, just eyeball the ingredients. They're not that precise because they don't really need to be. Don't stress out over which size can of pineapple, just dump it on in.

Ingredients:

Whole or half ham (butt or shank end)

2 cups (1/2 of a fifth bottle, give or take) pineapple schnapps (can substitute pear or apple if you can't find pineapple). Look for schnapps with natural flavoring. Don't use things like apple pucker with all artificial flavor and color or trust me, it will be gross (and a funny shade of purple).

1 can/1 cup of crushed pineapple with juice
1 can/8-10 slices of pineapple with juice
1 bottle red maraschino cherries with juice
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup whole cloves
1 whole Cinnamon stick



Directions:

Place the ham in a large roasting pan (cut end down if using a half-ham)

Poke the cloves. (my this post is just full of dirty statements!) Push the sharp end of each whole clove into the ham until you have a pattern of dots spread approx. 1/2 to 1 inch apart over the entire surface (not the cut end if you're using a half-ham). Think Pinhead from Hellraiser if you need a visual. If you get your cloves from a whole foods or organic store they will generally be larger, stronger, tastier and easier to work with than the bottled type.

Use wooden toothpicks to tack maraschino cherries onto the ham, then hang the pineapple slices from the toothpicks (this looks impressively Dickensian when it's finished).

Dump the rest of the pineapple, maraschino cherries, Cinnamon stick and brown sugar over the top of the ham. Don't drain the juices first, just throw it all in. Pour the liquor over everything.

Cover the roasting pan. If the cover won't go on because of the size of the ham, make a "tent" from aluminum foil that peaks over the top of the ham and is crimped onto the inside edge of the roaster. Don't leave any gaps for steam to escape, but remember that you'll need to get in to baste. The point is to trap the condensation while it's cooking so that the ham does not dry out.

Bake at 135 degrees for approx. 35 minutes for each pound (i.e. 6 hours for a 12 pound ham) Yes, this means it'll be in the oven all day! Baste at least every hour, turning the ham if possible.

Uncover and bake an additional 1/2 hour to 45 minutes, baste/spoon the juices liberally over the ham every 15 minutes.

Serve! Remove the toothpicks (the pineapple should stick on it's own at this point) and either cut off the skin or remove the cloves before serving.

Red-Eye Gravy:

Stir up the ham drippings at the bottom of the roasting pan.
you can use a spoon, baster or large-hole sieve to separate the juices and drippings from the fruit. Set aside the fruit to serve as a side dish.
Make a pot of very strong coffee. Add 1/4 cup coffee for each cup of liquid and drippings to a pot on medium-low heat.
Add flour a tablespoon at a time (or corn starch 1 tsp at a time dissolved in hot water).
Stir constantly until gravy thickens. This makes a sweet and savory gravy that goes well with ham and sweet potatoes.

Leftovers:

The perfect use for leftover ham from this recipe is to use it, bone and all, as a base for soup. I do bean soup, but it would work as a base for potato or split-pea as well.

Comfortable in my Skin

Have you ever met someone who makes you feel entirely unselfconscious? I've encountered a few in the last months, and it was the absence of the initial "once-over" look that made me aware that such a look existed.

You know the look (or at least now you'll be waiting for it). You meet someone new and there's a moment where they assess your clothes, body, shoes, income, hair and stance in a single superficial sweep, conscious or otherwise. You can see certain questions being checked off in their heads...how much does she weigh? How tall is she? What is she wearing and what does it say about her? Does she have money, a wedding ring, good/bad makeup? Are her shoes new/cheap/appropriate for her outfit? Is she trying to be trendy/goth/punk/hip/conservative in her dress?

Of course I'm of multiple minds on this. On one hand it's a perfectly normal part of human communication to use non-verbal cues to figure out how to approach people or to correctly interpret or anticipate what they say. It's such a natural part of communicating that most of us don't realize that it's missing in these days of IM and chat. We've learned, to some extent, to adapt to the lack of visual cues, but this lack is part of the reason there are so many more arguments and misunderstandings in online conversations.

On the other hand, as Samuel Clemens said, "common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen". When someone does the "once-over" look, are they filtering what they see through a collection of prejudices that includes the Calvinistic belief that I am all of the negative character traits associated with fat people? That I am lazy, stupid, etc. ? When I defy that belief, is the surprise increased because of those prejudices? (Which, one could argue, might be used to my advantage).

But, as I said, I've met a few people recently outside my regular circle of friends who met me without the usual once-over. Coincidentally, they turned out to be people I'm really drawn to, have a lot in common with, and will hopefully end up as close friends. I don't want to use the absence of the "once-over" as a magic eight ball of potential friendship at this point, but I'm going to at least pay attention to it as a barometer; one more tool when it comes to knowing how people tick.

Then again, using the absence of a superficial assessment of my personality as a superficial assessment of their personality is quite probably hypocritical of me.

Then again, I never did claim to not be a hypocrite.

A Health Ramble

Is it my own shift in perspective, or is the "be thin and live forever" market beginning to lose it's edge? The same tired lines, the ever increasing desperation to sell as many magic pills as possible before someone catches on... Weight loss promises seem to be going the way of so many modern Americana trends, and commercials for weight loss now seem at home on the late night infomercial slot sandwiched between the miracle shammy and the gadget that lets you cook chicken on your carburetor. In other words, it's getting old, and it seems people are now looking for the next big thing to throw time and money at in hopes of an eternal life. Maybe if we're lucky it'll be HAES.

At what point do we realize that everyone, fat, thin, smoking, vegan, kosher and jogging, will one day die. Odds are they will also get sick first. The idea that artificial thinness somehow grants immortality or control over fate is so ridiculous that even I have problems believing that I bought it for so long.

If someone does, by some fluke, break through the barrier of immortality, we all know that it'll be some rancher in Wyoming who chain smokes and eats steak at every meal. That's how the universe works. Irony is the subtle weapon it uses to poke at our illusions of control.

In the meantime, I have gone from being able to say "I'm fat but I'm perfectly healthy" to PCOS. Which means I have to say, "There are plenty of healthy fat people, I'm just not one of them." Somehow it lacks oomph in my own mind, even though either argument will fail if someone is truly determined against the idea. It's even a bit unfair to myself, as I am relatively healthy outside of PCOS. It doesn't mean that I don't feel that my body has somehow let me down, or fear that having something wrong with me will give fat-haters an "aha!" trump in any discussion, but in all honesty I'm still generally healthy, regardless of weight. Who knows what it all means in the end, except that perhaps it never really mattered in the first place. Health has always been a red herring for the underlying issue that human beings will always need a group to feel superior over. In the absence of an official hierarchy, an unofficial one will always spring into being. At some point weight was selected in the public mind to be the basis of that hierarchy, and here we are today supporting a $50 billion weight loss industry.

That begs the question...are the thin really at the top of any social scale, or are we simply duped by industry advertising dollars into thinking they should be?

"Fat Girl and Proud" Youtube video

What a nice surprise to get on Youtube and find this instead of the usual nastiness directed at fat people!

Recipe Box: Spicy Dandelion Greens (vegan)

So I've been crunching recipes for a workshop I'm doing at the Mothergrove festival next month on incorporating wild plants into cooking. I made this one last night to test the recipe, and while I overdid the red pepper a bit (I think I drank half a gallon of ice tea), it turned out surprisingly well. The taste is a bit like mustard greens or endive.

Dandelion greens are full of iron and calcium (more than spinach), vitamin C, and A. Before they produce flowers in the spring the leaves are mild and perfect for salads. After the flowers appear, the greens get bitter, but the bitterness can be alleviated by pre-boiling and tempering with sweet ingredients. The high iron content makes them a traditional medicine to treat anemia and jaundice.

Make sure to correctly identify dandelion greens, as there are several look-alikes which are not poisonous, according to field guides, but are decidedly more bitter and even a few mixed in can throw a dish. Here's a decent intro to plants that are commonly mistaken for dandelions. Hairy/spiny leaves, branching or woody stems, or leaves growing from the flower stem itself are all signs that you do not have a dandelion.

Also be sure to avoid collecting greens in lawns that have been treated with pesticides, herbicides, or chemical fertilizers not intended for food crops within the past two years. Do not collect by roadsides where runoff could contaminate the plant. Always wash wild-collected plants thoroughly before using. People with latex sensitivities may have a reaction to dandelion leaves and stems, but anyone introducing a new plant into their diet should do so slowly and cautiously in case of allergic reaction.

Spicy Dandelion Greens
4 side-dish size servings

2 lbs dandelion greens, about 8 cups by measure, which looks like many times more than you need, but the volume will shrink considerably during cooking. Discard any that are discolored or insect-eaten.

1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon plus 1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 teaspoon dried red pepper flakes (to taste) or chopped chile pepper to taste.
3 medium cloves of garlic, crushed
1/4 cup pine nuts (optional, but tasty)

3/4 cups raisins (regular or golden) if using greens harvested after flowers appear on the plant in spring. This is to offset the bitterness, so it isn't necessary if using young spring greens.


bring water with 1 tablespoon sea salt to a boil in a pot large enough to hold the greens.
wash the greens well, removing any stems left on the leaves. Cut into rough 2-inch sections cross-wise (across the leaf)
Boil greens for 4 minutes
Drain in colander and rinse well with cold water, pressing the leaves to remove as much moisture as you can.
Heat olive oil in pan or wok until hot (medium-high heat) but not smoking.
Add Garlic and sautee for 30 seconds
Add the greens, pepper, pine nuts, 1/2 teaspoon salt and raisins. Sautee for three minutes or until moisture is removed from greens.
Add lemon juice and continue to sautee for an additional minute, or until greens start to crisp a bit around the edges.

Enjoy!

If you don't have a safe source for dandelion greens nearby, you can substitute any bitter green in this recipe, including mustard greens, endive, escarole, turnip greens or chicory. The cooking time may need to be adjusted; turnip greens need to be boiled longer, endive can be just blanched or skip the boiling and go right to the pan, and so on depending on the bitterness and toughness of the greens.

The Fat Experience Project

This is from an e-mail I received this week. Check out the link and be sure to give the creators feedback so that this can be a positive force in the FA community:

http://thefatexperience.com

"The goal of the Fat Experience Project is to map the global experience of fat in a way that is human, has a face, a heart, a mind, a body and a voice. The Fat Experience Project is an oral, visual and written history project which seeks to be a humanizing force in body image activism. By collecting and sharing the many and varied stories of individuals of size, the Fat Experience Project seeks to engage with, educate, empower and enrich the lives of people of size, our allies and the world at large.

As the project grows, it will be filled with first-person, non-fiction narratives (in text, video or mp3 format) that speak to the many and varied aspects of the life lived large. Some of the content will come from interviews already gathered on an extensive 2-month road trip (with the lovely Val Garrison) in both audio and video format. Some content will come from trips on the horizon. Most content will be submitted via the website by readers such as yourself.

It is my hope that the project will be a community tool to combat prejudice/stereotype/discrimination as well as to help externalize shame so it can discussed and dissipated. The things we keep silent about are the things that do us the most harm. Shared burden is lighter. I am hoping, as well, that the project may eventually be used as a humanizing resource for fat studies and social anthropology courses.

...It is my fondest hope that, ultimately, with time and resources, this project will grow beyond a specific and exclusive fat focus and move toward addressing the many intersections of shame. "

The Off Switch

This started out as a comment on Fillyjonk's Ask Aunt Fattie post about a woman who is uncomfortable with the occasional sizist thoughts about her partner's body. After a few paragraphs I realized the comment was getting post-length, so I moved it here.

Starting off with the excerpt that really nailed the concept for me:

"Luckily, the key is not to remain untouched by prejudice, but to consciously and deliberately rise above it at every opportunity. You are not failing in your fat activism when you look at your girlfriend and the voices of a thousand magazines and TV shows and judgmental relatives trill out “is she going to eat that?” Rather, you are succeeding when your response is to shake your head and say “how ridiculous you are, tiny voices in my mind.” "

I think this is a brilliant expression of the fact that there is no magically delicious "off switch" when it comes to cultural conditioning. It is a process of constant revision. After spending a lifetime having a prejudice beaten in our heads Aldous Huxely-style, no one is expected to shake it overnight. For example, I wasn't raised to be an accepting person. I was raised with every influence geared towards turning me into a conservative Christian suburbanite WASP. Luckily some of those gears went *sproing* in time for me to do something about it, but they still pop up at inopportune moments. Ten years later I still find a lot of prejudices in me that I have to stop and confront, and a few that get past me without me even noticing until it's too late.

I believe this is an issue for a lot of people in FA. I know it is for me. There was this great tipping point where I looked FA and finally got it. Joy Nash had a lot to do with that moment, as did my Tante' who sent me books and websites to nudge me in the right direction. I suddenly realized that there was nothing inherently wrong with my body. A lot of you know what that moment felt like.

The problem is that I woke up the next morning buried under all the same old baggage. The only real difference was that I now knew it was there. Part of the self-loathing built into our cultural message is wrapped up in the complete helplessness to find any way to fix what we are told is a problem. The only solutions to our differentness, we're told, are to either force our bodies into a semblance of normalcy or, when that inevitably fails, to hide them. We work and slave and sweat in an attempt to solve "the problem" of differentness, with the increasing pressure of shame and guilt heaped on as motivation. That moment when it all clicked was not the moment I solved the problem of my differentness. It was the moment I realized it wasn't a problem.

Since the click was not universal, however, it also didn't remove all the pressure. It didn't stop the negative thoughts about my body (or other people's bodies). It didn't stop my envying thin friends. It didn't stop the built-in reactions to magazine spreads, fat jokes or diet ads. That's because no moment (or year of moments) can undo the conditioning of a lifetime. All it can do is make me aware enough to start to re-condition myself. I can tell the tiny voices they're being ridiculous, that I don't have to justify my food or clothing choices to anyone. I can start catching the judgemental little part of me that comments on the habits of others, and tell it to STFU. Every time I do, I come a little closer to not not believing what they say. But it's a process. I'm not an enlightened human being, so I have to work at it. But those bad moments (and days) when I feel like a mess and stare longingly at the smiling fakery of a Weight Watchers ad don't make me any less a Fat Acceptance activist. Our culture is eerily efficient at creating shame and guilt from natural processes like that, and we don't have to buy into it. The bad moments don't make me a failure; they make me a human being. One that's still learning.

I don't honestly think there will ever be a day when I stop being aware of my differentness, or stop wanting (on some level) to go back to trying to fix it. But when the good moments outnumber the bad, I think I'll call it a win.

Centered

I had a good ride today. It's been almost a week since I've been out, but it was hot enough that I left the saddle in the barn and rode a long bareback ramble through the lanes of the deserted christmas tree farm behind the stable property.

Riding bareback is a matter of balance. You ride with an awareness of the center of your body, and balance your center over that of the horse as it moves. It's a form of meditation in motion. As I rode along, belting out The Hedgehog Song to the miles of open air, I thought about the myth of the clumsy fat person.

Occasionally there is a thin person who wonders how it is to be fat. They don a heavy padded suit (usually for the benefit of cameras) and try to move through the world under the honest mis-assumption that they are somehow gaining the perspective of what it feels like to be fat. It feels horrible and unnatural, this thick envelope of sensory-dead stuffing isolating them from the world. Their skin no longer gives them cues of space, motion, heat or cold. The thousands of small motions of balance and posture their bodies perform without their awareness are useless against the unfamiliar weight in unfamiliar places. They feel monstrous, clumsy, humiliated, and alien. They then take off the suit with great relief and continue through the world with a renewed sense of how terrible it must be to live like that every day. The problem is that they haven't actually learned anything.

I grew up fat; I haven't been thin since my black-irish genes kicked in around third grade and turned me from a thin blond to a fat brunette. What the person in the fat suit doesn't realize is that if they wore the suit every day of their adult life, it wouldn't be awkward or alien (unless they wash it, of course, it will begin to smell...opening up an entirely different discussion of fat stereotype). I grew into my fat body and learned it's strengths, movements, reach and ability just as any other teenager would. I don't wear my fat as a suit, but as part of me. I don't have to think about the extra effort to move, because it isn't extra effort to me. My body knows how to move and balance because it has developed all the unconscious and necessary thousands of tiny motions it requires. It has done so exactly as a thin body would.

My point is that those who try to simulate, or even imagine what it's like to be fat may simply be unable to do so. A naturally thin person would be awkward and uncomfortable if they were fat because their body has developed into a shape they are accustomed to and has no idea how to accomodate the change. Likewise for the naturally fat person who found herself suddenly thin. The body would have to re-learn how to move and react and balance, just as it did in puberty. That's why, for all the fantasy potential, I don't think I could even imagine myself as a thin adult. My body only knows what it has learned.

A girl once raised my eyebrows and ire with the question "don't you feel handicapped with all that fat?" Putting aside the more complicated response to her rather awkward vocabulary, I'll respond to her real question. Do I feel like I have some dead, awkward envelope of fake padding restricting my movements and throwing me off balance? The answer is no. I have my body, which I've known all my life. It is living, sensing, reacting flesh all the way to the skin. I know how it balances. I know how it moves. I know where my center is.

Think Tank

The Think Tank is tomorrow, but for all those I'd hoped and planned on meeting it turns out I'm too sick to go. The last thing I want to do is drive three hours and share bronchitis around the FA community (not to mention ten strangers sleeping in the hostel room with me).

So I won't make it :-( but I do hope to see reports from those who do and I'll check the twitter stream between Nyquil doses.

PCOS and HAES?

Well I'm officially dipping into my summer break-from-blogging with this post, but I need to check in to the Fatosphere for some information.

I know there's a few readers out there with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), so I'm hoping for some direction. It isn't certain yet, but the doctors are looking at it as the most likely eventual diagnosis for me and approaching it accordingly. The problem is that every website I can find seems to indicate that you can't effectively treat PCOS without weight loss (which makes me say hmmmm....since, like diabetes, thin women get it too), or low-carb dieting.

The usual "losing just 10% of body weight cures most of the symptoms!" garbage is prevalent on official websites like Mayo Clinic and WebMD, without any clinical information to show whether the improvement is from the actual loss of fat tissue, or the exercise and arugula-eating the person engaged in to lose the fat tissue.

For those who are already struggling to balance Fat Acceptance, HAES (Health at Every Size) and PCOS, are there any books or websites you'd recommend that are light on or free of the weight loss mantra, and possibly advocate holistic therapies? I'd really appreciate some recommendations to get started. My doctor recommended the book by Samuel Thatcher (PCOS; the Hidden Epidemic). Does anyone have an opinion on the book?

Hands in the Dirt

I've been neglecting the internet pretty badly lately, but it feels so good to get my hands in the dirt that I've been letting almost everything else slide (even the horses!). I've got three new garden beds dug and planted for herbs, and the final one dug and ready to plant tomorrow after the frost warning has passed. Quite a few of what I'm planting are simply weeds in disguise, having sprouted up in my lawn between mowings (to the chagrin of my Tru-Green neighbors!)One example is a beautiful crop of first year Mullein. I've moved them from my yard to pots so that I can harvest a few leaves at a time throughout the summer.

I left one in the ground for Fred the rabbit to nibble on. He's moved into my brush pile and sits unconcernedly by my front door when I come out each morning. So far he's leaving my potted mullein alone in favor of the wild, but he did sample my newly planted sage almost to the ground.

My other "weed" finds that I've moved to pots for various reasons include Five-Finger Grass (Cinquefoil) (no, it's not related to Cannabis),

a beautiful spread of Star of Bethlehem by my shed

a great spread of sweet-rocket from the ditch by my office, a spread of violets in march, and a few as-yet unidentified wildflowers I've saved from the lawnmower in hopes of transplanting after their blooms are gone.

The satisfaction of working on my own land, the meditation of studying the changes of the season, the back-breaking sweaty hours of digging, raking, hauling and mulching, and the good old fashioned kid-like joy of playing barefoot in the dirt are all so very good for me. Especially since health issues have kept me from being able to do Yoga for the last two months. I've started a Dandelion tincture brewing for detox, and transplated a stray Raspberry cane that escaped via rhizome from a friend's garden, in hopes of starting a Raspberry leaf tincture as well. The store-bought version seems to be helping my health issues quite a bit, but I hate to pay $12 a bottle for something I can make.

Once I'm done getting my dirt fix I do plan to get back on track with FA, this blog, the COFRA site, and all my other social comittments. Until then, I leave you a moment of zen a la Wizard of Oz. The hairy-looking alien pods have opened, and my "leave it alone and see what pops up" garden is once again in a profusion of (non-narcotic) poppies. I got pictures tonight in case the frost wipes them out. They're very pretty, but incredibly delicate.

Recipe Box: Strawberry-Rhubarb Upside-Down Cake

The Rhubarb is coming the Rhubarb is coming!

In Michigan it's the season for cheap/free produce, as the Rhubarb explodes out of everyone's garden until it overflows all the freezers and jams and pies their owners can handle. One of my best friends and her family just inherited a massive overgrown garden with their new house, and they are loving the surprises popping up this spring. She has giant bush-like rhubarb plants producing enough to fill three freezers, so she graciously bestowed a pile on me just as I was racking my brain for something to make for our office's annual cake-off. In a Michigan summer twist (not that I'm claiming rhubarb is specific to Michigan) I made strawberry-rhubarb upside-down cake. Yes, I cheated by using a box cake instead of scratch, but that's the problem with baking projects on a weeknight. Between the baking and the digging (since I got some Raspberry canes to plant along with the gift of Rhubarb) I was up until midnight. I jittered myself up with coffee and ended up in a three-way tie for first place at the Cake-Off the next morning. I didn't use any of my own votes (you pay 25 cents for each slice and vote), but I'm wondering if it really would have felt like an empty victory if I had :-)

Strawberry Rhubarb Upside-Down Cake (aka Spring Flip):

INGREDIENTS:

1 box french vanilla cake mix (Supermoist or pudding cake mix)

Ingredients to prepare cake mix per directions on box (typically 3 eggs, oil and water)

2 cups chopped fresh rhubarb (½ inch to 1 inch pieces). The Rhubarb doesn’t need to be completely peeled, but it helps to strip off any tough or stringy skin you might find on older/larger pieces.

2 cups plus ½ cup sliced fresh sweet strawberries

1 cup (packed) light brown cane sugar

1/3 cup butter

9x12 glass baking dish with at least 2” high sides (an extra inch or two higher is even better)

Optional variations: you can include one or more of the following if you’d like, or come up with your own variation. (If adding more fresh fruit or liquid, be sure to balance it by adding dry ingredients such as flour and sugar):

• ½-1 cup pecan halves or pieces
• cinnamon or nutmeg (to taste)
• ½ - ¼ cup golden raisins
• ¼ cup shredded coconut

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 350

Put butter in glass pan in oven to melt (careful not to let it scorch)

Prepare cake batter per directions on box, subtracting 2 Tablespoons of water from the ingredients called for and adding ½ cup sliced strawberries. Beat the strawberries into the mix well so that they break up and distribute evenly.

When the butter has melted in the dish remove it from the oven. Make sure the butter has coated the bottom of the dish evenly.

Sprinkle the brown sugar evenly over the butter at the bottom of the baking dish

Layer 2 cups of strawberries on the brown sugar

Sprinkle 2 cups chopped rhubarb over the strawberries

Sprinkle any optional ingredients over the rhubarb

Press ingredients gently down into the brown sugar

Pour the cake batter over the layers in the baking dish (there might be some left after the dish is full. You can make a cupcake or two, or discard)

Bake at 350 for 40 minutes

If the cake is firm down to the fruit and doesn't "jiggle" with movement, insert a toothpick into the center of the cake. If it comes out clean, skip to the next step. If it isn't done yet, run a butter knife around the edge of the dish to separate the cake from the sides. This allows moisture to escape so that the fruit cooks down properly. Reduce oven to 325 and bake an additional 20-40 minutes on the bottom rack of the oven until fruit is bubbling up the sides, the cake is firm without “jiggling” when you move it, and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

Place a cookie sheet or heatproof serving tray over the top of the baking dish.

Holding the cookie sheet or tray firmly against the baking dish, flip them both over so that the dish and cake are resting upside down on the tray.

Let sit without removing the dish for at least 30 minutes to allow all the fruit to drop and the cake to keep the shape while cooling.

Serve warm or room temperature with ice cream or whip cream.

A Letter to Torrid

Dear Torrid Executives:

As a formerly eager customer, I would like to express disappointment in your decision to be involved with a contest featuring a "boot-camp" for weight loss. Losing weight rapidly is not only untenable in the long-run, but unhealthy for the participants both physically and psychologically. I don't understand how a store purporting to serve a customer base that is comfortable and confident in their bodies can support a program that teaches them, as all diets do, that their bodies are unacceptable and objects of shame. If you don't want large women to accept their bodies as they are, why do you choose to serve them as a demographic? If you want, as your clothes suggest, large women to feel confident in themselves as people, why would you choose to suddenly sell them out to the media industry that survives primarily by a constant reinforcement of self-loathing in women and girls? Supporting that media and it's ideals of body-hatred through weight loss is a betrayal of your customers' trust.

I do love your clothing line, but I have made the difficult decision to no longer give any of my business to support a company that tries to sell me clothing while telling me my body is not an acceptable shape to wear that clothing. I cannot support a company that asks women to wear the symbols of confidence in their bodies while it in turn supports a contest promoting the objectification and manipulation of women by telling them the shape of their bodies is more important than the achievements of their minds or skills.

If your company would be willing to cut ties with this contest and no longer support any promotion of dieting or body-hatred, I would be happy to bring my business back to your stores. Please consider the long-term effects of your actions, and whether the loyalty of your customer base is more important than any fleeting profits you may realize by selling their trust.

Sincerely,

Susan Conklin

How to Contact Torrid

For those who haven't been following, Torrid has made the disappointing decision to participate in a contest involving boot-camp-style weight loss for women interested in plus-size modeling.

Big Fat Blog has covered this issue in detail, including the original Craig's List post asking for fat women with "pretty faces" to participate in their weight-loss regime in order to be pretty enough to wear clothes.

There's also a response on Hyde and Seek, and a discussion on Fatshionista where they've posted some of the responses they've received from Torrid trying to justify their actions.

If you'd like to write and let Torrid know what you think about their decision to be involved in this contest and encourage unhealthy dieting in their customers, please write to:

Torrid Headquarters
18305 E. San Jose Avenue
City of Industry, CA 91748 USA

You can also E-mail them from their customer service page, but remember that a written letter will always be taken more seriously than e-mail.

For tips on how to write a good protest letter, see NAAFA's list here.

I'll be putting a letter together in the next couple of days that others can use as a template, but remember that original letters will always be more effective than form letters. You don't have to be the most eloquent or erudite person in the world to let the company know you're disappointed in them! Just simply say so. You can include one of the NAAFA brochures , or quote (with credit to the original author) some of the information you've read on blogs and websites to say why dieting is dangerous and ineffective in the long-term.

Even if you just send a short paragraph, your voice needs to be heard by Torrid, so that they know they can't pretend to serve their market while despising it.

Send a single mother to Disneyland (part 2)

A few weeks ago, I posted a request for your help in sending a hardworking single mom to Disneyland via KMEL's Bay Babes baby photo contest. I've heard now that she's made it to the final round! If you're interested in helping again, please go to the KMEL website at http://kmel.com/pages/round3main.html?feed=271560&article=3670464 and vote for

23) Jazmyne-2

Enter your e-mail address and respond to the confirmation e-mail they send you. You can vote once per day.

If there are multiple people voting at the same computer from multiple e-mail addresses you'll have to clear your browser cache between voting.

The mother and kids are over the moon at the chance to have a summer vacation! Thanks to anyone who'd like to help.

Book Review: "Thinner Than Thou"

Book Review: Thinner Than Thou, by Kit Reed

A novel about a dystopic semi-future where youth and thinness has displaced religion as the moral guide in the U.S. The primary "church of thin" is a multi-billion dollar conglomerate of products and clinics claiming to cure both fat and age. It has all the trappings of the modern church including a charismatic prophet of thin who preaches via infomercial and recruit converts willing to give up most of their worldly assets in the pursuit of the new norm of physical perfection. A cadre of mysterious nun-like "sisters" carry out secret operations to save those who refuse to conform, and chains of "scarf and barf" eateries offer a distinctly Roman outlet for suppressed urges. Of course any rigid society creates a fringe, and in this world there are two. The first is the complete fetishization of food and fat. There's the furious and serious national sport of eating competitions, and the pornographic "Jumbo Jigglers" clubs, where clients pay to watch fat people consume huge amounts of food. The second is the secret society of former religious leaders who have banded together, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh and Buddhist, to create underground railroads and cadres of believers.

The plot centers around an anorexic teenage girl who is put in the hands of the mysterious "Sisters" for rehabilitation. Her outraged brother and sister (twins) and boyfriend set out on a cross-country search to find her and rescue her from their hands. A secondary plot centers around a writer who commits himself to a weight-loss internment camp run by the prophet of the new church.

Let me start out with the caveat that I read a lot of classical literature. That tends to make me interpret modern novels harshly when it comes to voice and characters. That said, I was irritated at the campy-teen dialogue in the book, along the lines of "Like, totally! Way! No way! Dude! Awesome!" Then again, I don't know many teenagers, so they may actually only talk that way. It was just jarring. The dialogue, with the exception of a few speeches, was stilted and often awkward.

The setting is the real strength of the book. The author describes a world where religion is sacrificed to youth and beauty, because the worship of youth and the contemplation of death are seen as mutually exclusive. The elderly are a problem not in terms of support, but in terms of concealment so as to not remind the world of time's inevitable result. Details like these are brilliant.

My biggest struggle with the book is deciding whether it really glorifies eating disorders. The main character is anorexic, and while those with anorexia may be able to relate to the character's motives and history, the book sets her up as a heroine for maintaining her disorder against the efforts of her rehabilitators. Granted the rehabilitators' methods are medieval, but nothing in the novel really dispels the impression that the girl is anything but daring and independent for challenging the status quo and overcoming every power of the institution by refusing to eat. Any question of her recovery is forgotten amongst the rest of the (otherwise Spielberg-like) ending. Yes, it's a dystopic fantasy and there is an argument for realism, but I wouldn't want my (completely theoretical) teenage daughter to read the detailed instructions for hiding anorexic symptoms from friends and family.

On the other end of the ED spectrum in this book lies the strongest objection I have against the book; Every single fat person in the book is portrayed as a compulsive eater. There are detailed scenes of one-dimensional immobile straw fatties who weep at their inability to stop as they eat an entire roast pig and several entire cakes provided by fetishists. More detail is devoted to the description of pork fat dripping down a fat person's chin or the fat folds of a pink organza-wrapped immobile dehumanized fat person than is given to the development or description of any of the main characters. Fat characters in the novel frequently have to buy love, friendship and/or physical affection with food. The fantasy around the fetishization of fat and food is explained as the desire to let one's self "go" in an overcontrolled society, rather than a natural feature one can't really permanently change. They are also, to highlight one of my own pet peeves, described at least twice as having "such a pretty face."

Now that could be tongue-in-cheek, but the problem with tongue-in-cheek is that only those in on the joke will recognize it as such. The average person reading the book may gain some sympathy, but I doubt they will walk away with any fewer fat stereotypes. While the book does drive home awareness of the current unhealthy obsession with thin and possibly promote some awareness of eating disorders, I don't think it really does much to advance FA.

Recipe Box: Garlic Mustard

Most of the midwest, northwest and east coast states are now dealing with a severely invasive non-native plant that takes over any disturbed soil in partial sun or shaded areas such as woodlands, roadsides and vacant lots. Garlic mustard was introduced by european settlers and has spread wild as a weed anywhere it can establish itself, including my backyard in Michigan.

Garlic Mustard may be a weed, but it's also medicinal (which is why settlers brought it in the first place). The leaves are antiseptic and can be used on humans to treat everything from cuts and scrapes to acne and itchy bug bites. The root can be cooked in oil and applied to the chest for lung complaints like bronchitis.

The leaves are edible, with a flavor somewhere between garlic and onion. The young leaves are less bitter and can be added in small quanities to salads. The older/larger leaves make a great herb in soups, marinades and dry rubs, especially for game (venison, game birds, etc) but also beef and chicken.

I love that spring offers new ways to experiment with ingredients you can't get at the store! It's important, however, to gather from areas free of pesticides or other pollutants, and preferably at least 1/4 mile from the side of roads. Make sure there's no poison ivy growing amongst the garlic mustard plants. Wash the plant thoroughly before using or drying. Also make very sure that you have the correct plant, since there are a few that look similar.

The most common recipes you'll find for Garlic Mustard are pestos, as the bitterness of the leaf goes very well in the flavors of a good pesto sauce. There's plenty of recipes at:

http://www.patapscoheritagegreenway.org/garlic07/index.html

which is the annual Garlic Mustard challenge held in Maryland. A google search also comes up with some fantastic recipes to use this invasive weed in various recipes.

I've got several bunches hanging to dry, and hopefully will have a nice stock for the rest of the year :-) I have a feeling it'll work very well in a wild rice pilaf!