Whenever you enter into a discussion
about something, you are interacting with someone's frames. These
are the person's underlying assumptions about the topic and the world
in general which inform their point of view. When answering a
person's question directly, you are accepting their frame, even if
you are disagreeing with them on the question itself.
For a common FA example, let's take an
argument I had with a troll recently in an online forum. Here was
the question:
“Why would you choose to be fat when
you could be so much healthier?”
We've all seen multiple variations on
this question, and the amount of misconception packed into a single
sentence can be daunting. If I chose to engage at all with this
person, I would begin by unpacking the frame. There are several
things going on. In this example, there is a direct, explicit
question: “why are you okay with being fat?” But the subtext
shows multiple assumptions framing this question:
Being fat is a choice. Wrapped up
in this is the assumption that you have conscious control of your
weight, and could therefore permanently lose enough weight to no
longer be considered fat.
Being fat is inherently unhealthy,
and being thin is inherently healthier than being fat.
My weight is this person's
business and I have to justify my body size to other people.
So in this one sentence, this person is
layering all of these into one package. If I only addressed the
explicit question (e.g. “Because I don't think there's anything
wrong with it.”) I would be accepting the rest of the package. If
I do that, I end up trying to justify my weight while agreeing with
the implicit assumptions that permanent weight loss is both possible
and desirable. This considerably dilutes my own message, and
re-affirms the other person in theirs.
What I should do instead is reject the
framework offered by the question. This is actually harder to do,
but it comes much closer to answering the question they don't even
know they're asking. You are looking for that underlying question or
message. Depending on the person or tone, the same question I used
above could mean anything from “I'm concerned about you because I'm
being told one thing by the media and another thing by you,” to “I
think you're less than a human being and want you to know that in
order to elevate and affirm my own status.”
Let's assume a forgiving reading of the
question, where the underlying meaning is something along the lines
of “tell me how to understand this.”
One appropriate answer to this question
is, certainly, “I'm sorry, but I don't consider my body to be any
of your business.” Of course you can escalate the bluntness as you
like. This rejects assumption #3, which underlies the person's
belief that they get to even ask questions about other peoples'
bodies. Since this is their frame, they may try to re-assert it by
either labeling you rude, or pushing the question further. But it's
your frame, and you get to defend it.
Another appropriate response is to
ignore the question and address the frame directly. You could do so
by asking them to justify their frame: “Why do you assume I can't
be healthy as I am?” is a good soft opening for dialogue with
someone you feel like educating. A more aggressive and direct
rejection of the frame might be: “Do you really think, despite
decades of research to the contrary and my own personal experience,
that significant permanent weight loss is possible for 98% of the
population?”
Remember that most people are entirely
unaware of the frames they are offering. The exceptions would be
people who work in public relations, advertising, and sales. For
someone who doesn't use frames professionally, rejecting the framing
of a question or statement can be disconcerting because they honestly
believed they were asking one thing, and completely unaware that they
were asking or saying something entirely different. They may be able
to say “that's not what I said,” and you can certainly argue “no,
but that's what your words meant, whether or not that was your
intention.” Remember, though, that derailing the conversation to
the other person's feelings or detailed connotative debates is a
distraction to keep from examining the real issue in any more detail.
Bring the conversation back on track, or end it. Lead the
conversation, don't follow it down a blind alley.