The Why Matters

Way back in the olden days (2006) Malcolm Gladwell wrote a piece on his blog about racism.  In it, he proposes three criteria to define the severity of (and response to) a racist action or event:  Content, Intention and Conviction.  I agree with his breakdown (although I think Impact should have consideration as well), I can see why some of the commenters found it to be so challenging.  After all, two of the three criteria are all about why someone did something, rather than what they did. 

The Why is important, because so many outcomes of daily decisions and actions are dependent on it.   Do I do a thing because I should or because I want to?  Is it an accident, the result of my strong emotion, or a reflection of what I really think?  Do I do it to impress someone, to learn something, to help someone?  This all affects my approach to a task, my state of mind while working on it, and the satisfaction I take from it. 

This argument could easily lead to horribly saccharine Pollyanna behaviour and the alienation of everyone I know.  But if I don't take it to extremes it has the potential to really impact my happiness, health, work effectiveness and relationships. 

For example:  If I exercise to lose weight, I will not maintain it.  The Why in this case is distant and probably impossible. When I fail to reach or maintain that unrealistic goal I will become discouraged and my motivation will disappear. Why bother if it isn't going to get me what I want? Because I'm exercising to change my body the effect is to pit my mind and body against each other as enemies instead of allies.  This increases my chances of experiencing pain and injury while exercising and puts it into the category of punishment. 

I'm so used to operating like this that any exercise at all comes complete with a full matched set of baggage.  If I even start an exercise routine I feel I have to ramp it all the way up as quickly as possible so that I can get maximum benefit before I lose interest.  I then burn out or injure myself and give up (with all the accompanying stigma of failure).  It's hard for me to just enjoy an exercise without placing all kinds of extra expectations on what I'm doing.  I need a goal to work towards, and if I don't make progress I will give up. 

 The generic "for my health" why doesn't work either.  It's too vague, and not in any way guaranteed.  Yes, cardiovascular fitness is a much better indicator of long-term health and longevity.  But my brain can always reason away the motivation.  I could be at a perfect level of cardiovascular fitness and be hit by a bus, or be diagnosed with any of the dozens of cancers that stream through both sides of my family.  When that happens, won't I have been better off enjoying those moments instead of sweating?

 But for the last two weeks I've been walking 1 to 2 moderately brisk miles a day, every day.  Not for my health, or to lose weight, or even because I enjoy the exhaust fumes from the passing cars (it's too dark in the morning yet to walk anywhere without street lights).  I'm walking for my happiness.  See, last summer I went hiking with my partner in the Smoky Mountains, and once in Hocking Hills, Ohio.  Both times we were prevented from tackling certain trails because I wasn't physically up to it.  The day after a steep four mile hike my entire body would be so stiff I could barely hobble to the bathrooms.  But this year I want to go places and see things.  I want to get to the top of Clingman's Dome without stopping for a breather at every bench.  I want to do the full-day tour of Mammoth Cave.  I want to do the Grandma Gatewood trail at Hocking Hills, complete with little side trips up gullies to look for waterfalls. 

But to do all that I have to be able to comfortably hike 5+ miles in a day and still be able to bend my knees the next morning. 

Yeah, ok so I won't be climbing Everest or running a triathalon.  But then I don't really want to do those things so why train as if I did?  Abrams and Rainbow Falls in one weekend motivates me.  It's possible (5 miles each), tangible, and short-term.  The anticipation of hiking in the mountains brings pleasure to the exercise instead of punishment. Maybe after that I'll build up to something more strenuous.  Then again I may decide that I have time in my life for this level of exercise and no more.  For now, this Why works for me. 

Recently

Every now and then I come across a fascinating writer and throw off everything else I'm doing for the sake of scrounging every last word available.  The reason for my silence in the last week is that all my brainpower is bent on Malcolm Gladwell, a New Yorker Magazine writer and publisher of several books in the general philosophical area of epistemology.  He's particularly adept at taking those little deceptive heuristics (i.e. "everyone knows" that black people are better at sports, that fat people are to blame, that Ivy League schools are better) and taking them to pieces to show the cognitive bias at work.  He also has a simple, elegant writing style that's easy to read.

I don't always agree with his conclusions, of course.  One article packed with ED or body dysmorphia triggers is his piece on the Pima Indians of Arizona.  On the other hand, if you can overlook a few of the fat myths perpetuated, he falls well above the usual pop media simplification of the issues.  His dissection of the cold reading techniques and evangelical language in fad diet books is fascinating.  He openly accepts the genetic factors of body weight, such as setpoints.  He covers the issue so extensively that if you reach a point where you're tempted to give up in disgust (say, when he says diets can still work), keep reading.  A few short paragraphs later, he throws out something that sounds very FA, like this:

"'A lot of studies look at ten-per-cent weight loss," said Mary Hoskin, who is coördinating the section of the N.I.H. study involving the Pima. "But if you look at long-term weight loss nobody can maintain ten per cent.'"

It sounds as if he's contradicting himself, but considering the reasoned quality of his other writings, I truly believe that he's simply considering every available angle, nook and cranny of the idea for the sake of comprehension.  If he could only go a short step further and look beyond the idea of fat as a disease to cure, it would be perfect.  Then again, in 1998 I don't know if a lot of the same research was available.  The HAES paradigm wasn't even a blip on the radar.  BMI wasn't being questioned as heavily. He didn't have available the recent studies showing that fitness levels (completely independent of fat) were the better determinant of health and life expectancy. 

I wonder what he would do with the information now?

Recipe Box: Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing

This is my favorite springtime dressing.  The flavor is so sharp that it goes well with the bitterness of spring salad greeds (radicchio, arugula, endive, dandelion and other field greens).   Note that you want balsamic vinegar, not red wine vinegar.  Balsamic is not actually made from wine, but from grape pressings that are reduced to concentrate the flavor, then aged.   This gives it a much stronger and more complex flavor than the lighter wine vinegars. 

A little goes a long way.  These are estimate amounts, since it's usually more about a splash of this and a dash of that.  The flavor is best if you mix it just before serving. This will cover about 4-5 salads and will keep a day or two (at the most) in the fridge.  Once you get a feel for the proportions you can scale it up or down pretty easily. 

1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
2 teaspoons prepared yellow mustard
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon sugar
pinch of salt
pinch of pepper

Whisk well with fork before pouring each serving, as the oil and garlic will separate quickly.

Anybody else have a favorite dressing recipe?  I'm craving the greens right now with all this thawing and sprouting going on outside!

Recipe Box: Homemade Pizza

Homemade pizza isn't actually cheaper.  If you're willing to eat at Little Ceasars or other chains you can get a pizza for around $5.  But while sometimes commercial food is cheaper, the homemade version is much, much better.

Crust:

1 Tablespoon white sugar

1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast

1/3 cup warm water (between 90 and 110 degrees Fahrenheit)

2 cups all-purpose flour, plus 1 cup for dusting

2 tablespoons olive oil

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon dried oregano

(note: if you're short on time, you can use a box or two of the Jiffy brand pizza crust mix, and add the garlic powder, onion powder and dried oregano when mixing and before rising.)

Mix the sugar and water in a small bowl.  Add the yeast and let sit about 10 minutes or until it looks creamy.

Mix the 2 cups flour, salt, onion and garlic powders and oregano in a large bowl.  Add yeast mixture and stir until all the flour is absorbed (you may need to add additional water, 1 tablespoon at a time, to get all the flour to absorb).

Dust the clean countertop with flour.  Turn the dough out onto the floured surface and knead for about 1 minute.

Coat a large bowl with olive oil.  Coat the ball of dough with oil and cover with a damp cloth or paper towel.  Let sit in warm, dry place for 30 minutes or until it doubles in size.

(Note: prepare toppings while crust is rising)

Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees (F)

Roll the dough out thin and lay on a greased cookie sheet (or pizza stone, if you've got one). Bake for 3-4 minutes.  Pull out from oven and add sauce, cheese and toppings.  Bake for an additional 20 minutes or until crust is golden and crusty.

For the pizza pictured, I used:

1/3 cup tomato sauce
2 cups mozzerella cheese
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 cup sliced and browned italian sausage
1/3 cup chopped artichokes
1/4 cup grilled red pepper
1/4 cup green olives
1 Tablespoon nonpareil capers

Sure, the toppings were heavier than the crust.  That's the point :-)

Quote from Anne Lamott

"“But about a month before my friend Pammy died, she said something that may have permanently changed me.


"We had gone shopping for a dress for me to wear that night to a nightclub with the man I was seeing at the time. Pammy was in a wheelchair, wearing her Queen Mum wig, the Easy Rider look in her eyes. I tried on a lavender minidress, which is not my usual style. I tend to wear big, baggy clothes. People used to tell me I dressed like John Goodman. Anyway, the dress fit perfectly, and I came out to model it for her. I stood there feeling very shy and self-conscious and pleased. Then I said, 'Do you think it makes my hips look too big?' and she said to me slowly, 'Annie? I really don’t think you have that kind of time.'"

--Anne Lamott
(as quoted at http://www.happiness-project.com/)

Fat Positive News

I only occasionally bother to look at weight-related news anymore; most of it is toxic.  But today I came across two separate articles that rate very few sanity-watchers points! 

The first one is about Kevin Smith being tossed off a plane for being too fat, courtesy of The National out of Abu Dhabi.  The article does a pretty good job of an actual balanced viewpoint, finishing up with some excellent quotes by Bill Fabrey of the Council on Size and Weight Discrimination.

The second is from a local paper at California State University, Chico.  It covers a presentation by two dietitians at the University on HAES, Intuitive Eating, and body-acceptance.  The presentation was part of a "Love Every Body" week sponsored by the university wellness center.  (Warning: Don't read the comments, they don't really contribute anything but miserable ignorance). 

Is it better to know?

As a follow-up to the article I shared on constructive versus destructive worry, I ask the question, "is it better to know?"

I just found out that the creaking in the front end of my car is something that's expensive to fix, but not dangerous to drive on for a while until I can afford it.  The thing is, it's been creaking for a long while, which sets off a nagging worry in the back of my head every time I hear the "rusty bedsprings" effect after a bump.  was my axel going to fall off one of these days?  Was a strut going to come shooting through the engine?  In other words, was I going to have to find a way to pay the huge, upside-down loan that runs almost double the car's value?

So now I know.  It's expensive, but not immediately. 

So the happiness question is....was the intense stress today waiting for the estimate greater or lesser than the tiny moments of stress added up over months of squeaking?  Is the relief of knowing I don't have to put off some much needed repairs on the house worth the stress of figuring out how to scrimp a thousand dollars this summer?  Sure I'd have to do it anyway, but now that it's real, there's a lot more urgency to it. 

I'm a classic procrastinator on this type of stressful decision.  I understand the concept of catching something early making it easier to fix, but there's always something in my head that overrides that common-sense by telling me that if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away.  But is that any kind of way to live?  Is the weight of something on my "to do" pile worth the hassle of doing it?  I'm particularly guilty of this when it comes to medical issues.  I put off routine exams for fear that there'll be some kind of paradigm-destroying bad news as a result.  Sure, the news might be slightly less bad if it's something that can be treated with early detection, but it'll still be worse than not having the news in the first place. 

This is all about fear.  Fear of a doctor's potential fat-hate, fear of a bad diagnosis, fear of death, fear of loss.  At some point that fear of pain and stress takes on a self-fulfilling aspect and becomes painful and stressful on its own.  Even before the bad news.  While added up into a long term view that stress may be greater from procrastination than from disaster, but in any one particular moment, taken as a snapshot of time, it seems less. 

But wait, I thought living in the moment was a good thing? 

As human beings we're capable of something almost magical in the animal kingdom; we can tell the future.  Not always accurately, but we can draw conclusions from past experiences and project those patterns into the future to guess what will happen next.  This results in conscious long term planning and manipulation of our environment.  Unfortunately, in some people, it also results in a tendancy to live entirely in either the past or future.  Like all things (including excess), it is good in moderation.  We are capable, biologically, of amazing flexibility and adaptability to our circumstances.  We can learn to consider the future, remember the past, and live in the present.  We can even learn to do all of these at the same time.  How amazing is that? There's a lesson in there for me. 

Roadtrip Photos

Tahquamenon Falls

Whitefish Point Lighthouse

Northern shore of Lake Michigan

Those are some highlights, of course!  I don't want to drag feed readers to a halt with all the photos, but if you're curious you can view the full slideshow here.

You're Never Too Old to Run Away From Home

I always loved Huck Finn :-)

JD and I ran away from home this weekend. We couldn't afford a long trip south to get somewhere warm, which is pretty traditional for spring break.  Instead we went where everyone else was traveling FROM.  Up north.  The UP (upper penninsula).  Across the straights of Mackinaw.  That bit of Michigan that might as well be Canada.   

There's not much in the UP that doesn't involve the outdoors, so winter there is almost empty. Maybe a quarter of the businesses in larger towns stay open for the snowmobilers, ice-fishers, and locals.  But Tahquamenon Falls is still flowing, Lake Superior is still dramatic (and almost as cold as it is in August) and Whitefish Point is still beautiful in the winter. 

We were thwarted a lot.  We both love kitchy roadside attractions (The Mystery Spot!  See live bears!  Michigan Wax Museum!) and most were closed for the season.  We love to take backroads through the state forests instead of highways, but all the state forest roads quickly ended in walls of snow passable only by snowmobiles or skis.  Even the roads to the lower Tahquamenon Falls and Pictured Rocks lakeshore were closed for the season.  Winter hiking is one thing.  A twelve mile trek through two feet of snow to look at a cliff is on another level.  Even a very pretty cliff.  Also, my faith in dive diners was alternately destroyed and restored as we moved.

Then again there were benefits!  The traffic was almost non-existant.  Off-season hotel rates were fantastic and reservations were for other people.  There were no bugs, and the mixed pine/birch forests covered with snow made for a very scenic drive.  It was quiet.  There were no bugs.  There were ice floes under the falls and heaving with the waves along the lakeshores.  There were no bugs.

(For those who don't get the bug reference, the UP is a combination of marshland and clear flowing rivers that results in huge summer populations of mosquitoes and black flies that can carry away small children to where their bloodless bodies will never be found.  Locals call this "Nature" or sometimes "Tourist-Repellant".)

In all we took three days to drive almost a thousand miles and finally calmed my wanderlust for another season.  I'm now in "travel-lag" and can just about stay awake with enough coffee. I don't know if I'd do it again without skis or snowshoes to really get around, but it was worth it just to see.  The place is so different in the winter that if we decide to go again in three months it'll be a whole different destination. 

Pictures will be forthcoming, but probably not until tonight when I can sort through them.

Happiness in Hard Times

My mother forwarded me a link to an excellent article on finding happiness through adaptability in hard times.  It's a great read.

What jumped out at me with that "I must explore this further" spark was this:

"She has clients distinguish productive worries (which spark action) from destructive ones (which trigger an endless loop of catastrophic thinking)."

I have a friend who's favorite phrase is "Worry is just an invitation to trouble".  He's talking about the destructive type of worry, of course.  The endless loop of catastrophic thinking not only distracts you from enjoyment of the present, but can actually be self-fulfilling.   People tend to return attitudes, in that they avoid lonely people, are hostile towards angry people, but seek out the company of the happy.  Worrying constantly about being alone can invite that situation to continue. 

The productive type of worry is something I've never thought about in such terms.  I'm used to considering all "worry" to be destructive or stressful, but the worry about my job is motivating me to take classes and/or certifications to make me more employable.  It's also motivating me to take on extra tasks at work (like offering computer training to my co-workers) to become more valuable to my current employer and expand my resume. 

The problem itself (employment uncertainty) could spark either type of worry, of course. I could spend all my time obsessing over scenarios of bankruptcy and fall into that destructive loop.  Wait,  I sometimes do that anyway!  No worry is entirely one or the other, just as no problem worth worrying over is ever simple. 

So, as Pollyanna as it sounds, whether a worry is destructive or constructive really is up to you.  It may take work and vigilance to turn a destructive loop into constructive action, but it's possible.   

A moment of sweet, sweet triumph

Like everyone, I spend a lot of time after certain situations fuming over what I should have said.  Today I don't have to.  Today's perfect moment, truly in the snarky spirit of XKCD and Failblog, was this:

I was sitting in the office break room on my afternoon break, reading a book.  A couple of guys were joking about interviewees for a supervisor position, and eventually came around to the applicants who spoke English as a second language. (note: luckily none of these guys were actually involved in the hiring decision of said supervisor).

Guy said:

"What happens when one of them goes out to meet with industries and they can't even understand what he says?  I don't think they have any business being a supervisor if they can't even talk English well enough to be understood."

Without even looking up, I said, "Speak."

He thought for a second, then turned bright red and glared at me.  I raised an eyebrow and said, "Just making a point."

The other person at the table started to snicker at him.  He got up and left.

Oh, that sweet, sweet moment of glory... 

Do you have a triumph story?  Ever put a fat-hater neatly in their place?  Ever shut up a bigot with a well-placed verbal strike?  Share!

Fat Calf Boots FTW!

So I've often lamented the lack of boots that will go around my massive, Irish-peasant style 22" calves.  It's worse because all the fun outfits I'm coming up with (harlequin wrap dress, belt skirt, kimono dress, etc.) really require the knee high boots to complete the image in my head. I've even had a pair of custom-made boots on my radar somewhere in priority between a new bathtub and kitchen flooring.  Meaning next year.  Maybe.  If they don't give us more furlough days at work or cut my pay.

Yesterday I walked into Payless, of all places, and there was a pair of faux-leather high-heel knee-high boots by Predictions.  The size 11 wide-width came with an extended calf size (i.e. an elastic gore in the back) and actually fully (if barely) zipped all the way up!

Sure the pleather and generally cheap construction means these are temporary...but they were also on clearance for $14. 

Seriously.

I checked the Payless website and they're not listed, but if you have a local Payless you could call and ask if they have any in stock (Predictions high-heel knee high black pleather, Extended calf size) or just stop by.  I plan to clear out the local stores here so that I have backup pair when they wear out. 

A Valentines Day Tribute

From Richard Brautigan, Revenge of the Lawn (1971) (via Google Books, but I first read this excerpt at The Happiness Project)

I Was Trying to Describe You to Someone

"I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago. You don't look like any girl I've ever seen before.


I couldn't say "Well she looks just like Jane Fonda, except that she's got red hair, and her mouth is different and of course, she's not a movie star..."

I couldn't say that because you don’t look like Jane Fonda at all.

I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or 42, somewhere in there. I think I was seven, or eight, or six.

It was a movie about rural electrification, a perfect 1930's New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids. The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn't have any appliances like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn't listen to the radio. They built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.

There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.

Then the movie showed electricity like a young Greek god, coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life. Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch, the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings. The farmer's family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read the newspaper by.

It was really a fantastic movie and excited me like listening to the Star Spangled Banner, or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt, or hearing him on the radio "... the President of the United States... "

I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio....

And that's how you look to me."

Fat Positive Images: Les Toil

 "Nikki" by Les Toil (from http://www.toilgirls.com/pinups/nikki.html)

Les Toil is a graphic artist who features bold, confident and whimsical pin-up images of large women. (Note: many pictures in his gallery are NSFW) Actual large women, as in portraits!  It's fascinating to go through his gallery and see a photo of the actual model alongside the piece.  He tries to capture her personality in the setting, not just her body.  You can get your own portrait created ($$$!) or just peruse his pin-ups for a mood boost. 

His work should be familiar to those in the FA community, as he's designed promotional posters for the dance company Big Moves and Logo/advertising art for a range of Fat-positive companies such as BBW Travel, Chicago BBW, and Torrid.  He's also the artist behind the graphic novel "Shmobots". 

Project Management

When it comes to new crafts and projects, I'm definitely distractable by the new and shiny. I posted before about the stress of unfinished projects weighing me down with obligation and potential, but there has to be a happy medium where I have enough projects going to satisfy my need to create, and yet not so many that I will never finish what I have. I'm tentatively trying to choose one or two projects in several categories that will be my Current Projects. As I finish one, I can find another.

Part of the impulse to drop everything to start on something new is that my capacity for inspiration is much, much better than my long-term memory. If I don't start the new project RIGHT NOW, I will forget.

So I'm also starting to go through my various project magazines (ReadyMade, Circulars from Lowes and Home Depot, etc.) and clipping. I can usually reduce a full magazine to a few articles describing projects I may actually tackle and recipes I may actually try. I freecycled an empty box from work that once held address labels and stick the clippings in there. I may one day scan or scrapbook and sort them by category, but for now I'm just preserving. When I have a project opening I can go through my clippings and pick.

Scanning has two advantages. First it reduces physical clutter, second it allows me to sort ideas from online sources along with the clipped articles. The only disadvantage is that its an extra step, which I may or may not be willing to take once the initial appeal of virtuous project management wears off. Remember that its far more important to choose a system you'll follow than a more efficient one you won't.

So far, my list of current projects go like this:

Sewing:
1. Braided Rag Rug
2. Punk skirt made with multistranded braided belts worked into the design.

Home Improvement:
1. Finish bathroom (baseboards, tub, lighting and ventilation, paint)

Gardening:
1. start pots of parsely

DeClutter:
1. Kitchen drawers

Except for certain aspects of the Home Improvement project, I have all the supplies I need for these projects already in the house. That's especially important because I will both save money I normally throw into buying supplies for never-completed projects, and reduce clutter in the house by using up/putting to purpose items that are currently occupying spare corners and cupboards.

The tighter focus and limits on straying outside these areas may also help me finish the projects. The follow-through is usually my weak point in any project. I'm an excellent planner, pricer, shopper, and researcher, but the actual "doing" often fails. Most of these are projects I've already planned, shopped for and begun, but have been sitting on a back burner for anywhere from a month to a year.


Added to Project Inspirations:

Growing Bamboo in Michigan?
http://www.americanbamboo.org/GeneralInfoPages/GrowingBambooIndoors.html
http://www.lewisbamboo.com/tessinfo.html
http://www.plantdelights.com/Catalog/Current/Detail/02123.html

Happiness is fighting without regrets

Every couple fights. I don't care how compatible or idyllic, sooner or later there will be a disagreement. I learned over this weekend that the most important thing for me to remember is to avoid saying or doing something in a fight that I'll regret later.

That was my goal on Sunday morning when JD came in and (I thought) started laying down ultimatums as to how I should behave in public. I was confused, hurt and angry, but held onto that "no regrettable words or actions" rule. Unfortunately, I had NO reactions to what he'd said that didn't involve hurting him back as badly as I could. So instead of replying at all, I asked him to give me time and space to think about some things. Of course at that point it was his decision to walk away or demand an immediate answer. He made the absolute right decision and gave me the space I needed.

This was big, so I took two days. Silence reigned in the house and I stayed icily polite while I worked things through in my head, ran through the high emotions, and arrived at a place where I could firmly lay down my own boundaries without anger.

Of course at that point I found out that I had COMPLETELY misunderstood what he had originally said. There were no ultimatums. He wasn't trying to change me at all.

Now part of me thinks I wasted two days of our relationship by agonizing over something that could have been resolved immediately by asking for clarification. On the other hand, if we two very upset people had tried to resolve anything in that moment, it would have never happened. I would have been yelling and crying and verbally slicing him open, he would have defended himself by cutting back, and it would have dealt our relationship a serious blow that would linger over every future disagreement we ever had.
Instead we had a very short, calm discussion in which we could actually laugh at the misunderstanding, and ended up strengthening our relationship.

I can't ever claim to be always rational by any stretch of the imagination. I'm frequently (and unfortunately) mean and snarky, and very well able to do real harm with my words. It's been the destruction of a few friendships in my life when my cutting remarks turned a normal fight into a relationship-killer. I think, though, that trying to be mindful of the long-term effects of my words and actions in a highly emotional situation will end up being the saving grace of my relationships. I can't take back words and actions, and apologising never erases.

On the flip side, when I'm upset and express it or ask for something to change, it can be really frustrating to wait for an answer. If it's important to me, I want to know NOW. I have to remember the example JD set this weekend. Giving the person time and space can mean that I will get a more reasoned, well-considered answer instead of a kneejerk reaction. If the person gives their response plenty of thought, I don't feel like I have to argue by listing points they might not have considered. It's hard of course, but I think I'll have better relationships for it.

Currently Reading:
Tom Jones, by Henry Fielding
A History of Pagan Europe by Prudence Jones

New Random Interest Links Added:
Passive Aggressive Notes.com
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden_Gnome_Liberationists

University of Pennsylvania Happiness questionnaires
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

New Quotes Added:
"Do you really think ... that it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations that it requires strength, strength and courage, to yield to. To stake all one's life on a single moment, to risk everything on one throw, whether the stake be power or pleasure, I care not -- there is no weakness in that."
OSCAR WILDE, An Ideal Husband

“The best way out is always through.”
-Robert Frost

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather.”
-Goethe

"It is a common mistake on the part of cooler, self-contained natures to assume that those who have a giving and ebullient character are what they are only because they cannot help it—that they are fed from a spring that will never stop rather than a reservoir that can be exhausted. Hence the feeling of stark disbelief or unpleasant shock on the part of others when the reservoir of effort and energy—for it turns out to be a reservoir—is almost gone….the principal reward for those who give lavishly rather than meagerly is the expectation that they remain true to form and continue to give."
 - W. Jackson Bate

“Everything turns out to be valuable that one does for one’s self without thought of profit.”
-Marguerite Yourcenar

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
- Guillaume Apollinaire

“We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.”
- William Hazlitt

Fat Positive Images: The Full Body Project

 (#59, Full Body Project, Leonard Nimoy Photography)

 http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/7body.htm

Leonard Nimoy's  The Full Body Project is a fantastic collection of fat women (mainly nudes, but I did find one relatively work-safe example to include!  Link is NSFW)  Whatever his motivation or reaction to the media criticism of this project, the photos of the women involved are every bit as strong, confident, joyful and gorgeous as their real selves. My favorite is of the women dancing in a circle (3rd row on first page of the website).  They're just having so much fun it makes me want to be there with them, in all their unapologetically naked, fat glory. 

Fat Positive Images: Fernando Botero Angulo

(Picnic 1998, by Fernando Botero)

Fernando Botero Angulo is a Colombian painter and sculpter born in 1932 in Medellín, Antioquia, Colombia.  His art features large figures of both people and animals. 

Images from Google 

When asked why he chose to paint the "fat people"  his response was, “An artist is attracted to certain kinds of form without knowing why. You adopt a position intuitively; only later do you attempt to rationalize or even justify it.”  (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fernando_Botero) 

I love his paintings of fat couples, in love, seductive, happy!  His nudes are bold and confident, sensual and beautiful.  He's very much worth discovering if you haven't encountered his work before.

Happiness Tools: Resolution Charts and Mini-Journals

Resolution Chart:

Gretchin Rubin at The Happiness Project is a frequent encourager of charting your goals and resolutions.  The daily task of reviewing and checking off items reinforces the resolution in your mind, and being able to view progress gives a whole lot of satisfaction! 

I've never seen her resolution chart, so I came up with one I think will work for me.  It's a monthly chart divided into weeks and checkable days, with some daily and some weekly resolutions.  There's my known resolutions and space to add new ones each week.  It's a pretty simple Excel spreadsheet with a tab for each month.

Here's the whole chart:

and a closeup of this week:

I put 5 weeks (4 for February) on a single page, which I can tape to a kitchen cupboard to keep it in my conscious mind.  Everyone sorts their life differently.  I tend to plan goals on a weekly basis, so I don't cut the chart mid-week to put each month on a different page.  You may be better at long-range planning and prefer to make each month a unit of measurement towards your goals.  Or each pay-period at work.  Whatever helps you organize the progress in your mind!

If anyone is Excel-Challenged, let me know.  I'd be happy to send you a 2010 template you can customize in Excel or Excel-compatible freeware, or I can send a .pdf of each month you can print and fill in by hand.  E-mail me at TheMysticMundane@gmail.com.


Mini-Journal: 

They call this the "one-line journal" at The Happiness Project, but since I often write more than one line, I like "mini-journal" instead.  Or maybe Journalette? :-)

I've tried many times to start keeping a journal.  In the house decluttering I've come across about a dozen journals, all beautiful, all nicely bound with quality paper.  All with maybe 2-10 entries each before I gave up.  The problem is, of course, time.  But at the same time, I read those few entries and they spark memories of events, people, etc. that I've forgotten after only a few years.  I always think that some funny or important moment will be forever engraved on my memory, and I'm almost always wrong.  I do have long-term memory issues, but what's worse is that my long-term memory is much more effective at retaining the bad moments than the good. 

So instead of buying yet another pretty fancy journal with parchment pages and leather cover, I went to the dollar store and got a cheap, plastic covered 2010 weekly planner.  I'ts about the size of my checkbook, so I can carry it easily in my purse.  Each week is on a double page, and each day has about a business-card size lined space that will fit 2-3 sentences.  Each day I jot something down; a quote, a funny moment, a joke, something important happening in my life right now.  By choosing what stands out the most to me from each day I also capture my life on a larger scale and progression.  By limiting myself to a few sentences I don't feel pressured to write a daily essay with some profound conclusion, but do get the creative challenge of distilling some days into a small space (I'm sure you've noticed that brevity is a challenge for me).  :-)

Of course I'm not a big planner person.  I don't have a lot of appointments and such that I need to track, so the few I have can go right in the journal with the rest.  Since I have to open it every day anyway, I'm more likely to check for appointments.  Those of you with day-planner or pda-scale lives have the choice to incorporate your daily journal into your regular system, or just pick up that little dollar-store version (or a moleskin if you want to get super-fancy) to carry around inside it.  It depends on how much of your life you want to record for later.  Personally I don't really care about the meetings I went to a year ago, but I would like to remember that thing my best friend said.

Money and Happiness

They say that money can't buy happiness.  My personal opinion is that they're right, but money can buy a lot of happiness tools.

I found out last week that I will be taking ten furlough days at work in the next six months, equating to a 10% pay cut.  I also discovered, on crunching the numbers, that my current income/spending gap is much less than 10%.  This means that I have to make cuts in my current lifestyle or I will very quickly run out of money.  These changes mean less time to pursue hobbies, read, connect with people, or relax.  I do understand that many people live on much less than I make.  I also understand that I managed to be reasonably happy living near the poverty level at one point (or rather, that my unhappiness then had little to do with money).  It's the sensation of moving backwards that's so frustrating for me.  I've built up a lot of momentum in the last few years.  I've made a lot of progress digging my way out from old debts without creating new ones, finding money to do home improvement projects or take vacations, and putting a little away.  Ten years ago I'd have been ecstatic with my post-cut pay, but now it's a huge step in the wrong direction.  I suddenly feel like I've been Sisyphus all my life and will continue to push my financial rock up the hill over and over for the rest of my days.

This makes my happiness project harder.  It also makes the project more necessary than ever.  For a while my resolutions will be framed around the financial crunch in my life, but I need to remember to break out of it occasionally for some self care.

Old Resolutions:

My resolutions last week were to try new recipes involving capers (part of the overall goal of a more varied diet), to use one of my hoarded fancy lotions every day, and to clean out two drawers in the kitchen hutch.  The last one was a bust so it carries over to this week.  The new recipes may need to go on hold because I won't be able to afford a lot of new ingredients that can't be used in several dishes, and need to concentrate on things that will carry over to lunch the next day. The fancy lotions resolution was a success and I've smelled like white jasmine all week.

I'm coming down with a cold, so I've been craving grapefruit for the last two days.  Funny how I haven't eaten one for a decade, but after the first week's experiment eating it every day my body knows to crave it when I need the vitamin boost. 

New Resolutions:

Environment: Clean out two drawers of kitchen hutch
Finances:  Eat breakfast at home and make/bring lunch to work every day (no more takeout or deli)
Finances:  Limit groceries to $80/week

Currently Reading:

Tom Jones, by Henry Fielding

Currently re-reading:

The Tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff
The Hero With a Thousand Faces, by Joseph Campbell

January 29, 2010

My current resolution for health (try new foods to foster a varied diet) has me eating capers this week.  Last night I made chicken with a commercial lemon-caper sauce (spruced up with some fresh garlic, parsley, and lemon) and Crispy Cauliflower with olives, capers and parsley.  I was a little apprehensive since capers appear to be one of those "love or hate" foods, but I thought they were really good.  Of course I did some research first; I bought non-pareil capers, which are smaller, less bitter and more flavorful.  I also rinsed the capers in cold water before using them to reduce the brine.  I can see how they would very much NOT work in the wrong recipe since the flavor is so strong, but they really seem to compliment lemon and parsley flavors.  I'm thinking salty or sour dishes are the trick.  I'm playing with the idea of combining bacon, capers and brussel sprouts, but I haven't worked out the details yet.

I haven't cleaned out the hutch drawer yet, but that'll probably be an activity for Saturday. 

Books added to the reading list:

Richard Brautigan, Revenge of the Lawn
Love & War in the Apennines, By Eric Newby

Quotes added to the Quotes list:

"'Begin at the beginning,' the King said, very gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'"
- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland, Ch. 12

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." ---Anne Lamott

Fat Positive Images: Sir Peter Paul Rubens

This series is an attempt to collect positive portrayals of fat men and women in art, media and life. 

I doubt there's many fat women in the world who haven't at one point or another heard the term "Rubenesque" applied to them.  Sir Peter Paul Rubens was a Flemish painter in the 17th century who frequently painted large men and women, frequently nudes, in sensuous detail. Every bulge and wrinkle is recorded and the whole is beautiful pieces of art with the bodies of real people.  Perusing his works is an excellent antidote to the airbrushed fantasy people often pictured today. 

Technically the term should be Rubensesque (Rubens-esque), but the first s is often dropped for easier pronnounciation (Ruben-esque).  The camp is split between those who think saying Rubensesque is grammatically correct, and those who think it's simply pretentious :-)

On Passive Aggressive and Petty Things

I had an interesting introspective moment today. (I was going to say a self-examination moment, but that just sounds dirty). 


I posted a sign on the inside of the door in an employee-only bathroom at my office yesterday, which is a single stall/locker room/shower setup with no ventilation fan. A few people have complained about smells over the years, so I thought I’d try a joke and see what happened. I posted this: “If you don’t use air freshener, the terrorists win. Do you hate America?” (wording credit to passiveaggressivenotes.com)


What happened was that many people laughed.  Some people came up to tell me how funny it was.  One anonymous person ripped the sign off the door, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. Without saying a word to anyone.


This passive-aggressive act (ironic considering where I borrowed the wording for the sign) snapped on an ugly side of me that tends to over-react, fight dirty, and rage over inconsequential’s. So I fished the sign out of the trash, smoothed it a bit, and hung it back on the door. When they do it again, I planned to print a new one and hang it back on the door. Repeat ad nauseum until they grow a spine and use their words like the other children.


Right afterwards I felt triumphant. I had “scored a point” against my unknown opponent. I would “win the game”.


But what a stupid game to waste time on trying to win. I got a burst of energy and snark-credit amongst a few people I told, but I also got stress. The energy was highly negative. I, like anyone who engages in this kind of passive-aggressive battle, became slightly paranoid wondering who my “opponent” was. I worried that it might become a “thing” that would end up creating more negativity in the office if the person dragged supervisors into it (or worse, it WAS a supervisor). All morning I’ve been more sensitive to perceived slights and negative gossip and less receptive to good news or positive events. Truthfully, once the initial “victory” energy wore off, I was in a pretty damn bad mood.


I found it really interesting once I stepped back and realized what was going on. I’ve been in a pretty good mood since I started the happiness project, so the contrast with what I’ve felt this morning is pretty clear. Simply by taking a hostile action towards an unknown person (who probably isn’t worth the effort or concern) I disrupted my mood, which disrupted my physical well-being (acid stomach, tension headache), my relationships (it’s harder to hide a piss-poor mood than most people think), and my work performance (since I was wasting time, energy and thought on such a stupid thing.) When you count up the negative effects, the small pointless victory and the fleeting smug illusion that I might change someone’s behaviour become very much not worth it.

While the world of an office is very small and boundaries are important, there is a point where the loss outweighs the gain. Certain little things will do me more harm than good to fight. If there’s a choice between being happy and being “right”? Sure it’s a case-by-case decision. Fighting for a worthwhile cause can be very satisfying in the long-term, boosting confidence, self-esteem and creativity. But there’s a definite like to be drawn between the worthwhile cause and the worthless. Petty things are not worth my anger, even if they’re entertaining to others.

I should work out a resolution to address this. Maybe, “Let the Petty Things Go”? or “Decide First Whether it’s Worth it”?

Fat Positive Images: The Adipositivity Project

This series of posts is my attempt to collect a lot of links where you (and I) can find positive portrayals of fat people in media and life. 

Today I want  to feature the Adipositivity Project  (warning; photos are generally not safe for work).  This is a project by artist and photographer Substantia Jones. who seeks to expand the cultural perceptions and definitions of beauty to include the fat body.  Most photos focus on just a glimpse; a breast, a back, an arm.  It took me a while to really appreciate this project, because it's more straightforward, in a way, than I was comfortable with at first.  Normally a photograph of a fat woman attempts to "hide" certain body parts and emphasize what is conventionally beautiful (eyes, hair, breasts).  It attempts to normalize her.  The adipositivity project takes the parts we're most interested in hiding and displays them as beautiful, right alongside the conventionally beautiful.  A single fat roll.  A thigh.  A belly. 

I highly recommend the site because it challenges our own body preconceptions. 

On Clutter and Roadblocks to Priorities

I have a category of resolutions called "Environment", because I think your surroundings can contribute or detract from your happiness to a great degree. I spent many years living on the "shovel a path to the closet" level of clutter before I realized it was making me miserable. I'm not a neat person by any means, but I found out that if you reduce the amount of stuff you actually own it makes it easier to make it look neat and organized.

When I seriously thought about why I owned certain items, the actual unnecessary clutter came in two categories: scarcity thinking and project potential.

Scarcity thinking led me to hang onto items without or past usefulness because of a fear that one day I would need them and not be able to find or afford them. This is what led to an accumulation of excess furniture, worn out clothes, nice dishes/cosmetics/shoes that were never used, etc. I still struggle to convince myself that I don’t need to save nice things, or hoard old things, against some future disaster. I need to first consider here and now, and trust that when I’m in that future I’ll be able to scale my life to my resources.

Project potential is my biggest temptation and money sink, especially thrift projects that re-use or restore discarded items. The seduction of hoarding things for projects is that it’s actually saved me time and money in the past. I ran out of wrapping paper this Christmas and ended up wrapping several presents in fabric remnants. I’ve suddenly needed a particular piece of wood to brace something and was able to scrounge it from the garage without spending any money. These are moments that make me think I’m justified in my clutter.

The downside, besides the mess, is the pressure. Items saved for later use beg to be used. I find myself unable to relax because somewhere in the house there’s a stalled or potential project I could be working on. I can’t read tonight; I have to make some progress on the braided rug so we can get rid of the pile of old sheets. I can’t spend time online when there’s pattern making to be done and the attic holds three enormous bins of fabric waiting to be something.

At some point I believe there will be a moment when I’m Done. I’ve experienced it before when I’ve taken several days to deep clean the house and reach a point where I honestly believe there’s nothing left to do. The obligation is finished. My time is my own.

The fallacy in this thinking is that ALL time is my own. I choose what to do, and when. I choose to spend a certain amount of time at work because I don’t like the alternative (i.e. being without work). I choose to spend a certain amount of time cleaning because I enjoy its rewards or dislike the consequences of the alternative enough to do so. There is no external obligation to anyone to accomplish certain things in my day or my lifetime; there are only my own choices, based on my personal priorities.

I decide which projects to make a priority. Low priority projects (i.e. neither necessary nor enjoyable enough to commit to in the next year) will not get done. Therefore the supplies to do them serve no purpose cluttering up my life or my limited living space. Scarcity may enter my life someday, but there’s no amount of “stuff” that will cushion the blow if it does. My real priorities (self-awareness, good health, strong relationships) will serve me much, much better.

Body Positive: Men in Full

I know I've mentioned it before, but today in my series on positive fat imagery I'm re-introducing the LiveJournal blog Men in Full.  Owner Stef posts images of fat men ranging from classical art to current events.  She focuses on re-defining cultural associations with large men by showing them as strong, beautiful, powerful, kind, respected and/or sensual.  I love her interpretation of the images, pulling the piece together with the positive attributes of the men.  She also chooses interesting images to show in the first place.  There's naturally some nudity in the classical art, but she posts the rare picture that might be interpreted as "adult" under a NSFW cut. 

Many of us not currently visually impaired are greatly affected by what we see.  Advertisers count on their images making more impact than their words.  This series is to help stock up a collection of positive fat imagery to boost mood when the media barrage gets overwhelming. 

January 26, 2010

On Resolutions:

The experiment with Grapefruit was fun, but taught me that I need to scale back.  If I try to eat the same food every day I will burn out on the resolution.  By the way, I liked the grapefruit best with salt or cooked into savory dishes, as it brings out the flavor and represses the bitterness.

This week, continuing the resolution to introduce a variety of new foods into my diet, I'm going to try three new recipes involving capers.  I've never tried them before, but suddenly they've come up twice in random recipe searches.  I honestly used to think they were some kind of fish, until I took the time to look them up and found they were the pickled bud of a Mediterranean plant.  People seem to either love or hate them, so I'll find out for myself!

Also, my resolution to de-clutter my cosmetics was successful.  My next resolution in the Environment category is to clean out two drawers in the kitchen hutch.  Small steps add up to a big effect!

Books added to my list:

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, by Dr. Betty Edwards
Chronicles, by Bob Dylan
The Artful Edit: On the Practice of Editing Yourself, by Susan Bell

Quotes added to my list:

"When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up. "
-CS Lewis

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -Robert A. Heinlein

Body Positive: The Museum of Fat Love

I've decided to start incorporating some FA messages back into regular postings, as a way to tie it into the happiness project.  I'm going to focus on positive messages, and begin with positive images.

Today I'm focusing on The Museum of Fat Love.  It was started by Lesley, who put together submissions from real people in happy moments with their partners.  This amazing project proves that our bodies are not a barrier to finding happiness.  Click on each thumbnail to see the couple's story.  The photos are work-safe (i.e. no nudity or adult content). 

Beyond just the message, the very act of looking at and reading about happy people can sometimes give your mood a boost.  So give the site a try when you need an antidote for the barrage of fat negativity. 

Resolution for Organization: Sorting Cosmetics

I accomplished my resolution for the week to organize my cosmetics! I gathered everything on the kitchen table and threw away about a third.  I used makeup bags and pouches I already had instead of buying new, so the project cost nothing.

Also in accordance to my rule to take "Before" shots so that I can remember what I've accomplished, here is my entire collection of cosmetics, makeup, hair stuff, etc.:

Here is after I've thrown things away and sorted what I could into bags:

In accordance with the advice from many organizing blogs, I've separated the stuff into zones according to frequency of use.  Since frequency of use is very, very subjective, your sorting may look very different from mine!  I have fairly few cosmetics because I don't bother with makeup, jewelry or styling my hair on an every day basis.  I only need those tools for when I go out socially.  I don't even own hairspray, a hair dryer or a curling iron.

Zone A items are items I use daily or weekly, and are all somewhere within easy reach of where I usually use them.  Things like hairbrushes, deoderant, etc. I don't really count in cosmetics since they're basic grooming items, but they should be within reach of the bathroom sink without my having to stoop or rummage through other things. Lotions, hair-ties and a bag of the basic make-up I use when I go out are all within reach when I'm standing at the bathroom mirror. 

Zone B are the things I use maybe once a month or two, but don't want to go crawling into the back of shelves for them.  I don't often do anything fancy with my hair, so I consolidated things such as clips, barrettes, styling combs, etc. into an old makeup bag.  Ditto for a bag of nail things (man/ped tools, polish, remover, etc.) and another with seldom-worn jewelry items sorted into snack-size ziplocks to keep the necklaces from going Gordian.  Jewelry I don't wear at all went either into the trash, my craft area (to cannibalize beads and such) or a "give-away" stash, depending on condition.

Zone C are things I use once or twice a year at most.  Most items like this I tossed, but there are a few things I wear around Halloween, at Ren Fairs, etc.  that I kept.  These are relegated to the back of a shelf in the bedroom closet and labeled "Costume" so that they're not taking up valuable bathroom real-estate.

Zone D are things that I never use or don't like (i.e. expensive lotions I don't like, gifted jewelry I never wear, old makeup in bad shades).  The proper places for Zone D items are either in the trash, or at someone else's house :-)

Cosmetics Zone D:

Scents are always tricky for me.  As you see, maybe a fifth or more of my cosmetics are fancy scented lotions, perfumes and body-washes.  I love these, but because they're expensive I tend to "save them up".  There's one bottle of perfume I've had for 12 years. I love it, but I know I'll never be able to replace it.  It was a gift from an exchange student from Brazil the year I was getting ready to go on my own exchange year, and the company that makes it doesn't export to the U.S..  So I keep it, and use it maybe once a year.  But there's a difference between a sentimental perfume, and a bottle of lotion from Bath and Body Works.  There's no point in "saving" easily replaced items like that for some special occasion.  If I enjoy it then I should use it every day.  There's a certain level of crazy in having an enormous stash of nice lotions, yet walking around all day with cracking dry skin.

So my new resolution is in the category of Self, and is to every day this week use one of my "saved" lotions, for no other reason than that I enjoy them.

Happiness is Sand and the Fugs

So I found a fantastic new time sink that I can't use at work.  It's called "This is Sand"  http://thisissand.com/.  It basically turns your screen into sand art.  Click on the little grey box in the upper left corner to get started.  I made this:

And This:

So I shared the site with JD this morning.  He played with it for a couple of minutes, then his only response was "Their algorithm is wrong."

Sometimes I honestly think that being able to see the underlying function and structure of some things kills his ability to appreciate them :-)  Then again he might have just been winding me up.  I remember when we first met, I told him a joke: 

"Decartes walks into a bar and orders a beer.  When he's finished, the bartender asks if he'd like another.  Decartes considers it, says, 'I think not,' and disappears."

His reaction?  "Actually, Decartes was really more of a wine drinker."

To this day I can't tell if he was serious, or engaging in the straight-faced leg pull that I occasionally catch him in.

But I cannot disparage his abilities after last night because out of nowhere he came out and presented me with The Fugs First Album, in all its subversive protopunk deliciousness :-)  Such a simple thing, but so happy-making!

Added Websites:

http://thisissand.com/

Added Books:

Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, By George J. Thompson, Jerry B. Jenkins

Hurt and Anger; To Tell or Not to Tell?

I’m giving some thought to an issue where I see a lot of logical but conflicting advice. If you’re angry or hurt about something, is it always better to let it out? Some may argue that expressing the anger somehow releases the emotion and makes room for healing. Others argue that all it does is transfer the anger to other people, reinforce it in your own mind, and you should try to re-frame it and let it go instead of expressing it.


Now I do believe that if expressing the emotion can:

 

1. cause positive change in your environment (i.e. it makes me angry when you do/say X, I’m asking you to please not do/say X, at least around me.)

 

2. promote understanding (I’m angry because I interpreted what you did/said as X, is that what you meant to do/say or am I misunderstanding?)

 

Or

 

3. give you space to work things out in your head (i.e. I’m angry about X right now. I just need a little time/space to figure out how I can fix it or let it go. Could you give me that time/space?)

Then you should express it.

But if no good can come of it, do you let it out or let it go? Is it selfish to tell someone they hurt your feelings if it can't be fixed and isn't likely to happen again? Does it just prolong and spread the unhappiness?

It’s important that I explain that letting it go does NOT mean shoving it all into a little place inside where you can stockpile repressed resentment and dwell on it (I'm talking to you, Golem). It means literally letting it go; forgiving yourself and anyone else involved, re-framing it in your head into something constructive (a lesson, etc.), laughing at it and/or releasing it. If remembering it later dredges up anger and resentment all over again then you didn’t let it go.

This question comes from the idea that no matter what someone else does to you or around you, you only have control over yourself and your actions. For example, if someone’s making obnoxious fat jokes around me, I cannot actually force them to stop. I have no control over them. The only options I really have are to use my own autonomy to protect myself:

• I can speak up, explain why its offensive and ask the person to stop telling those jokes around me.
• I can sometimes physically leave the space and remove myself from their company.
• I can avoid them in the future by letting my friends know the situation and ask them to let me know when the person will be at a party and avoid the party.
• If it’s a stranger I can switch bus seats (or bikes at the gym, or place I’m standing in public), and if necessary report the person to the driver/waiter/manager/owner for harassment.

 To take that a step further, I have no control over something that happened yesterday (or last week or last year). If it’s likely to happen again then letting someone know it made me angry may result in constructive change. But what if I know the person didn’t mean to make me angry, isn’t likely to repeat the same scenario, and it isn’t something I can change? I think that it might just be healthier (if against popular thinking) to let it go instead of spreading the hurt and holding on. I think that keeping “score” on who hurt/forgave who is detrimental to both personal happiness and healthy relationships. I think that sometimes “winning” still means you lose.

RESOLUTIONS:

So the resolution to try grapefruit every day for a week took a two day break. We went to see Stomp on Tuesday night and got home close to midnight. I got two hours of sleep Tuesday night and when I got home last night I just crashed and slept through until morning. Stomp was AMAZING, AWESOME fun.  I went with a big group of friends and our hands are all itching for a drum circle now. I'd love to see it again in an A-run city like Detroit or Chicago, where they really go all out.  The cast took donations for the Haiti relief afterwards, which was very cool. 


I do need to give some thought as to what food I’m going to try next. Anyone have a food you love but doesn’t get a lot of play in other peoples’ recipes? It should be a base ingredient, not a complex prepared food (i.e. flour is a base ingredient, bread is a prepared food that uses flour). I’m playing with the idea of kale, but I’m open to suggestions. (anything but fish, mushrooms, green peppers or tomatoes).

I’m thinking about modifying the resolution somewhat to fit my very busy life, and saying that I’ll try the new food at least three times that week, prepared in different ways. That gives me wiggle room. The best part about making resolutions is that they’re MINE, and I can alter them as needed to fit the intent.

January 19th, 2010

Resolutions:

The grapefruit experiment is going well; the Grapefruit/squirt (half and half) sorbet is also the very first use of the ice cream maker my parents gave me this summer. It is now my new favorite toy! The sorbet turned out amazingly yummy, but the flavor was so concentrated that about a half-cup serving is perfect. Tonight I want to try a grapefruit with salt instead of sugar, as suggested in comments yesterday (thanks for the many tips!). It makes sense; salt complements melons and sweet corn, why not grapefruit?

New Environment Resolution: Organize cosmetics

In the area of improving my personal environment, I’m focusing on creating uncluttered space around me because I do believe that mess and clutter create can stress and attract negative energy. I’m at the point where the main areas of the house have been de-cluttered and I’m down to pockets here and there. My resolution for this week is to sit down and go through all my makeup and hair products, toss old ones (makeup is an excellent petri dish!) sort ones I use often into a single bag and store stuff I only use once a year for dress-up (black nail polish for Halloween, etc.) elsewhere so that it’s not taking up valuable space in the bathroom.

New Rule of Life: Take “Before” Shots. That’s because when we make a major change to improve something (re-doing the bathroom, changing hairstyles, starting a garden, cleaning out your closet, etc.) we quickly go from the awe and satisfaction of novelty to the boredom of every day. We are adaptable creatures, and quickly become accustomed to new things, even things that once made us happy. It’s called hedonic adaptation. Right now JD and I are putting the final touches on gutting the bathroom. It started as ugly brown carpet and yellowing walls with ancient drops of the previous owner’s nicotine tar leaching through the paint. Mysterious plastic bits and pieces were glued, screwed and foam-taped to the walls at random, marking long-discarded holders for Dixie cups, toothbrushes and air fresheners. I ripped out the moldering carpet and the room progressed to ugly bare plywood floors with dried carpet glue and a rotting patch around the toilet. In the last two weeks JD and I ripped everything out down to the studs, installed vinyl flooring, patched some drywall, replaced all the trim and coated everything in two layers of KILZ. It was really hard, smelly, hot, satisfying work. I still tiptoe into the doorway and just stare at all the sparkly newness of it. I can take pictures now, but anyone who didn’t see the horror where it began will only see a rather boring contemporary bathroom. The wow factor is lost in history. So take “before” pictures. Heck, take “during” pictures. Always have something to remind yourself how far you’ve come, lest you think you never accomplish anything!

Added to Reading List:

Flannery O’Connor, Wise Blood

Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love.

Elias Canetti, Crowds and Power

Elias Canetti, Auto-da-Fe

Georges Bataille, The Accursed Share: Consumption

Thorstein Veblen, The Theory of the Leisure Class

St. Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul

Robert Calasso, The Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony

Virginia Woolf, The Waves

Alexander et al., A Pattern Language

Randall Jarrell, The Animal Family

Grapefruit Update

Thoughts on the Grapefruit Resolution:

On Saturday I started with a plain, raw grapefruit to get a feel for the flavor.  I was surprised to find it much less bitter than I remember it back in the days when it was a dieting-obligation food.  I chose a nice red fruit from Texas and got a net bag full of them.

Today (Sunday) I added sugar to the raw grapefruit and found a curious thing.  Adding sweetener actually enhanced the bitter aftertaste of the fruit!  It was as if the first intense simple sweetness of the sugar intensified the contrast with the more complex bitterness of the grapefruit.  I'd be willing to bet that the reason I disliked it as a teen/YA is that I had loaded it up with sweetener (and artificial sweetener to boot), and as the bitterness intensified I added more to compensate.  After a while it was just saccharine with a bitter aftershock.  Of course I hated it!

We put the ice cream maker in the freezer overnight in prep for the Grapefruit sorbet, which for budget reasons I'll make with Squirt soda instead of Champagne and sugar as the base.  I'm also playing with the idea of whether a grapefruit substitution in a key lime pie recipe would turn out well or not.   

In an ironic twist, my psychotic swamp cat (Mad Sweeny) who rejects all human food from bacon to tuna....loves grapefruit. I let him have a little taste from the empty halves to convince him he didn't like it, and he was ready to fight me for the rest (and yes, I checked first to make sure grapefruit isn't toxic to felines; it can upset their stomachs in large quantities but he only got a few licks in).

The idea of taste is an interesting one.  It's my understanding that people are often "inclined" towards one of the tastes (sweet, salty, bitter, sour...and the East Asian umami/savory) based on the genetic coding of the taste receptors on your tongue.  Personally I'm very sensitive to bitterness and sourness.  I hate walnuts, even masked in desserts.  I can really taste the bitterness in white grapefruit, marmalade, or iceberg lettuce. I cannot stand the taste of fresh tomatoes, because to me they are bitter and sour at the same time (like something rotting).

What this leads back to is an idea that Gretchin Rubin of the Happiness Project puts forward:  "although you can choose what you do, you can’t choose what you like to do."   

I'm lucky enough to be able to choose what I eat, but I have little ability to change what I actually like.  I could force myself to eat fish, venison or mushrooms in a starvation situation. But if it's not something I like and I have the capability to choose...why eat fish?  Or tomatoes?  Or green peppers?  I don't think I have that kind of time to waste in my life.  I also don't like the current movement that treats food as medication.  If you're eating something you hate simply for the beta-carotene, you might be better off with a pill.  It's easier to swallow.  What I'm after isn't medicine, it's a variety of tastes and the pleasure of experimentation. 

More on Grapefruit and Resolutions

For my first actual content post relating to my experiment in fat happiness, I want to kick it off with a resolution.

My first happiness resolution is in the Health category.  In my own interpretation of HAES (Health at Every Size) I subscribe to the whole "varied eating with fruits and veggies" theory of healthy eating, but frequently fall down in practice because I don't make time to prepare daily complicated meals.  It's so much faster and easier to make a plate of nachos or a bag of microwave popcorn for dinner so that I can get back to the day's project.  But I do feel a physical difference when I'm eating a more varied diet with unprocessed ingredients.  I feel better, my energy is lighter and cleaner, and my mood is elevated.  I know that for a lot of people it makes no difference at all in how they feel (or not enough of one to compensate for the trouble).  So all FDA claims aside, is this actually something that would improve my personal health or do I just get a "feel better" feeling from eating "right" according to pop theory which then wears off when it becomes routine?
So I'm starting a resolution that is also an experiment.  Each week I need to choose a new base food (an unprocessed fruit, veg, meat, grain, etc.).  It should be something in one of these categories: 

1. Something I've never tried before.
2. Something I haven't tried in years since I hated it as a kid (our tastes change as we get older!)
3. Something I've made but only have one recipe or preparation I make over and over again.

I have to eat that new thing at least once per day during that week, each time prepared in a different way.

The theory is that doing so will force me to widen my options and explore new foods.  There's no restrictions on how I prepare it.  

So, for the next week, I will be eating Grapefruit.  I've only eaten it in the traditional diet prep many years ago: raw with artificial sweetener.  It was miserably gross.  I've always associated Grapefruit with dieting, which made them too bitter on many levels.  But now I can go and re-visit them as a "real" food, instead of some kind of obligation.   By the end of this week I'll know for sure if there's such a thing as a Grapefruit I like.

I'll find some help from the all-knowing google, including:

http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/cooking-tips-techniques/ways-cook-grapefruit-00000000008115/index.html

http://whenharrymetsalad.wordpress.com/2009/03/16/grapefruit-extravaganza/

By the way, a real Mexican margarita is made with grapefruit juice, with accents of orange (triple-sec) and lime, not the sickening-sweet fake-lime stuff you get in stores and restaurants.  I usually make them with Squirt soda as the base: a trick learned from my parents when they lived in Ajijic.  I wonder if my "no restrictions on how it's prepared" rule extends to booze? :-)

Also, I'm adding the following to my Reading list, based on Gretchen Rubin's recomendations:

Reading List:

Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Why the Meaningful Life is Closer Than You Think
Daniel Nettle, Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile

David Lykken, Happiness: The Nature and Nurture of Joy and Contentment

Gregory Berns: Satisfaction: The Science of Finding True Fulfillment

Barry Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less

Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness

Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness

Kahneman, Diener, Schwartz, Well-Being: The Foundations of Hedonic Psychology

On Resolutions, Reading Lists and Grapefruit

I've been thinking about the structure of this experiment in happiness-seeking.  I'm a planner, not a doer (as evidenced by the massive amounts of unused fabric and home renovation supplies in the house) so I have to be careful before throwing out complicated structure and resolutions that I won't stick to.  I also hate structure in general, and usually end up resenting new routines or habits I try to establish.  So.....

What I want to include in the project:

Inspirational Quotes
Resolutions to improve happiness in areas of Health, Organization, Relationships and Self
Goals
Hobbies
Experiments
Lists of books and links to pursue later or often
Rules for my own personal happiness, distilled from whatever lessons I've been learning.

I want to try to post at least every weekday (I'm often away from the computer on weekends) but I definitely do not want to try and include every element above in every post.  I work better freestyle.  If I tried to scrounge up a "book to read" every day, the list would be completely useless and disengenious.  I'd be adding stuff just to add something, not because it caught my attention at random and made me think, "Hey, I should see if the library has that..."

Some of the lists will be consolidated into one page and updated frequently (lists of books, links, quotes, etc.)  As each of these areas contain content they'll be accessible via a link in the sidebar under "Happiness Tools" or the "topic list" that is automatically generated from post labels. 

I'm sure a better structure will emerge as I go on, but it will be a result of my habits rather than imposed.  Somehow that works better for me in almost every endeavor.

(I've been craving Grapefruit lately.  That's very weird for me because I always hated the stuff.  I wonder if I can make that my first experiment/resolution!)

Vita Nova

I took a few weeks off from blogging, and realized something. Being my particular brand of activist boils down to finding something to be angry about as often as possible. I was actively seeking out hate and outrage which I could take personally enough to write a page-long rant, and daily reading the rants of others on topics that made me angry or upset. Seen in that perspective it doesn’t surprise me that my brand of activism wasn’t exactly contributing to my happiness.

Should that matter? Should being happy trump significant work? I think it does. I’m also okay with anyone who thinks I’m selfish for thinking so. See, I’ve learned a lot about personal boundaries and expectations, happiness and energy in the last two years. I’ve learned that depression makes me unable to help anyone, even myself. I’ve learned that we are first and only responsible for ourselves and our own actions. I’ve learned that being responsible for myself is the only way I can make myself able to effectively help others. I’ve learned that there is a difference between selfishness and self-care.

I’ve also learned that wrapping my world up in anger and reading too many activist posts on the feeds was making me unhappy, angry, outraged, preachy, negative, paranoid and stressed.

Instead I’ve been reading Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project” archives, along with other blogs (Unclutterer, Positivity Blog, Zen Habits, etc.), in the downtime of the last few weeks. The blogs I’ve been reading are inspiring, but don’t work as actual guides for me. My life is radically different from most of the bloggers’, and the blogs are peppered with triggers (dieting advice, calorie warnings, weight loss encouragement, conflating fitness with weight, etc..) The combination prompts me to take the question of happiness into my own hands and work it out for myself.

So this is the announcement of the beginnings of my own examination of my happiness. I’m starting with the premise that this project will encompass the year 2010, but, like the activist phase of my life, it will go on until it ends and then end when it is ready. All things end, which is one key to happiness in itself. Learn to let things run their natural course and end without regret.

My intention is to continue as a blog relating to Fat Acceptance, as in my happiness project includes self acceptance as a fat woman, HAES, and other principles that have coalesced for me in the last two years. If that changes, I may have to leave the FA feeds. Until then I hope I’ll be able to stay. I will also continue articles on Sewing For Any Size and cooking, because those are things that make me happy. The blog will hopefully become more personal, but also more positive. If I do feel the need to write the occasional Fat Activist post I will send it to Fatties United, where I’m technically a co-blogger even if I haven’t done much for it lately.

I may or may not archive or delete old FA activist posts here to free up tags or start a new blog altogether, depending on what level of versatility and closure I need. At the very least there will be a transition period where I work out my new format and frequent layout changes. Also, I do still believe that Fat Acceptance is a necessary movement in the face of the false Obesity Panic, and hope that others in the Fatosphere continue to do their excellent work in building a culture of body acceptance and diversity. I will also continue to keep my blog free of diet talk and fat hate, as both are detractors from mental and physical well-being.

Please try again

This blog is temporarily out of service, for reasons of existential angst. We will hopefully be up and running again soon. Thanks for your patience.

Winter Care for Skin and Hair

I'm still reeling from the idea that people think I deserve to pay more for health care based on a physical attribute I can't change. So I don't really have the emotional reserves for anything that meaningful. I'm not normally a "beauty and fashion" type of blogger, but since winter is here and the air is drying, I thought I'd share my personal tips.

Here in the north, winter means artificial heat. The word of the season is dry. My skin is constantly tight and itchy, my heels crack, my hair turns to straw. I don't have a lot of disposable income for expensive products, so I fight the dry fight on a budget.



The first thing I do is switch from soap to body wash for the season. Nothing fancy, but the difference between the best moisturizing bar soap and a reasonably priced bottle of body wash is significant in terms of moisturizing power. I buy the Suave cocoa and shea butter wash when it's on sale, the off-brand knockoff when it isn't.

Cost: Approx $2/month

I invest in a good razor with cartridges, instead of the cheap disposables. Dry skin is easily irritated and vulnerable to razor burn. On the other hand, I don't bother with shave cream; the body wash works just as well without an extra purchase. I use Shick Quattro for Women, and change the cartridge every two weeks.

Cost: Approx $5/month

Since my skin is so dry, I skip the expensive lotions and go straight to virgin coconut oil. It's easy to find in health food stores or specialty Asian or Indian cooking supply stores. Coconut oil is an extremely lightweight oil that's solid at room temperature but melts almost instantly on the skin. It's easily absorbed and doesn't evaporate over time like lotion. If you have sensitive skin or break out easily you might want to test it on one spot for a few days before using it everywhere. I put it on right after I shower in the morning and a little goes a long way. a 16 ounce jar lasts me at least 3-4 months, including using it on my hair. I then wait a few minutes for it to absorb before getting dressed.

Cost: Approx $3.00/month

For my face, I avoid the $40 sugar scrubs in the stores and just use sugar. Regular, cheap, old-fashioned white table sugar. Why pay for the artificial suspension mediums and perfumes in the commercial sugar scrubs? I keep about a cup of white sugar in a bowl on a shelf by the shower, dig out a small handful onto a washcloth and scrub gently until it dissolves. I try to not keep too much in the bathroom at a time or it will start to clump. I don't use cleansers or toners in addition to this, because I've found that the sugar cleanses the skin pretty well, suppresses breakouts, and rinses clean.

Cost: Approx 10 cents/month

As a facial moisturizer I also bypass the commercial cosmetic industry that puts a drop of shea butter in a bottle of lotion and charges you outrageous money for it. I just bought the raw shea butter directly from a fair-trade source in Africa. I keep a lump of it in a jar and the rest in the freezer. So far a pound has lasted me over a year. I only need about 1/4 teaspoon to moisturize my face, so it goes a long way. Better yet, I don't end the day with dry flakey face because the pure raw shea actually stays on the skin instead of evaporating. Of course I bought it when I had a wholesale license, so it was much cheaper. When I have to re-order I'll have to hit up a friend of mine who owns a store to order it for me. I can also usually find it at Pagan festivals, the annual Black Arts festival, Island Fest, etc. here in town for around $20/pound. The extra effort is worth it when you're talking about 1/20 the cost of re-packaged versions.

Cost: Aprox $1/month

My main hair product, other than shampoo and conditioner, is virgin coconut oil. I have very long, thick, dry hair that desperately needs treatment in the winter to keep from getting brittle. Before I wash my hair I use about two teaspoons of oil as a detangler (and it works marvelously!). I brush the hair to distribute the oil evenly through the middle and ends and let it sit for about 10 minutes before I get in the shower. I only wash my hair every other day, and on the off days I rub a very small amount (1/2 teaspoon) of coconut oil into the last few inches of hair, then brush as usual to distribute. By applying just to the ends I keep the hair at my scalp from getting too oily.

Cost: Nothing (accounted for as body moisturizer)

My feet are a real problem year round. I hate to wear shoes and socks, so my feet dry out easily and crack until it's painful to walk. I tried to keep up with them by using a foot rasp to remove the callouses and intensive moisturizer, but a friend who works at a podiatry office told me that the rasping to remove dead skin actually causes the callouses to form more quickly. I finally just started using Vaseline morning and night. Well, I say Vaseline. What I mean is dollar-store petroleum jelly, which is the same thing at a tenth the price. I smear it on my feet at night and wear socks to bed. I smear it on in the morning and wear socks for half an hour until I have to leave for work. As a result I haven't had the splitting callus thing in over four months, and my heels are actually starting to look like skin instead of a desert landscape.

Cost: Approx $1/Month



So that's my winter daily care routine. Your mileage may vary, especially if your skin is more oily than dry. But I'm a big fan of cheap, especially when I'm using things that work better than the expensive store-bought. Altogether it looks like I spend about $12.10 each month caring for my skin and hair. I've spent more than that on a single bottle of fancy facial moisturizer before I called foul and put my money to better use.